Starting Early.....

I know, I know, I said I’d start this on January 1^st….but I also know that some of you were getting bored waiting….so here’s a belated Christmas present to you all….a bit about my Christmas day…with the in-laws…at the farm…..

Full house over in the farm house…Great Aunt Bessie, Great Uncle Stephen, Grandparents, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, their three offspring, and the four of us – Mr Chickenlady, me and our two boy chicks. Food all eaten and we have returned to the warmth of the sitting room, Great Uncle Stephen and Granddad bagging the seats closest to the open fire where they can ‘rest’ with their large brandies. Sister-in-law and I make short work of the damson brandy (tasted a little like Benylin). Mr Chickenlady and his brother go off down the cellar to find more beer…Granny and Great Aunt Bessie sit with the rest of us watching the five grandchildren attempt to build a nuclear warhead out of lego. Until that is, the eldest grandchild decides to show me his best present…. “Look Aunty, I got an air rifle!”

I do my best impressed face and attempt to make the right noises – I know very little about guns and intend to keep it that way – only once or twice have I had a go at clay pigeon shooting; the first time I stood in the snow watching Mr Chickenlady and all his mates have a go in one of the fields until I got so bored of them missing and laughing like loons (many cans of beer had preceded the shoot) that I demanded I have a go – no one believed that a woman could shoot straight…my first attempt and I hit the clay dead centre…sadly it was entirely beginner’s luck, I’m not a crack shot, but a crap shot….

Anyway, back to the nephew and his new air rifle….he starts to show me all the features – from what I can see this consists of trigger, sight and barrel. He impresses me as he breaks the gun (see I even learnt some of terminology…for those of you not in the Huntin’, Shootin’ and Fishin’ brigade, breaking the gun is when you pull down the barrel and it opens above the trigger so you can insert cartridges) and I keep saying, “Goodness, that’s impressive” and so on. Nephew then hands the gun over to me and says, “Try it, just try holding it and aiming, it’s great! And safe – there are no cartridges in it” so I do….I absent-mindedly look down the sights and don’t notice that I’m pointing it at the sleeping form of Great Uncle Simon….and before I realise what I’m doing….I’ve pulled the trigger….Has anyone told you that air rifles still make a bloody big bang even without a cartridge in it…that’s why they’re called Air rifles…compressed air that makes the cartridge fire …

Great Uncle Simon had to go to bed for the rest of the day to allow his nerves to recover and I’m not allowed anywhere near guns or twelve year old boys again.