Jo has met up again with the last guy she met at the Speed Dating and it would appear that although it’s very early days, this could well last a while. She’s really into him and him her – her face lights up when she talks about him and everything about him is described in glowing terms. This happening in the real world combined with me cracking on with the novel has got me thinking about the nature of passion….
It’s my belief that life lived without passion is no life at all. Life is a wild adventure full of excitement, wonderment and above all, passion. But you can only experience this high if you’ve had the low where everything in your life is utter crap. I constantly tell myself that nothing lasts forever, not even the good stuff; in fact I bet I’ve mentioned that in a blog entry already, but I can’t say it enough – we ought to remind ourselves of this fact on a daily basis. I’d hazard a guess that anyone who has truly faced mortality – their own or someone close to them – realises this….once you cut through the polythene vacuum pack of our safe comfortable 21st century life and realise just how fragile all of this is around us, then it’s clear that it’s all transient and could all be gone tomorrow.
When I look at friends and consider how their lives have turned out – the ones who have suffered with mental health problems, the ones who have faced bankruptcy, been homeless, walked out on their partners and children, got through major illnesses, operations…In other words, Life. I realise that no one reaches their 30s without dealing with some of the big stuff. It’s unavoidable. Yet these same people are every bit as normal and sane as the rest of us, in many cases, more sane and certainly more compassionate because they’ve been there and know that each of us treads a very thin line in life.
So with all that in mind it’s hardly surprising that the wise amongst us knowing that this could all be gone tomorrow, are willing and brave enough to live for the passion in their lives today. And I’m not especially talking about sexual passion, although that’s a good a reason as any to get out of bed each day…or should that be, Stay in bed each day! We each need something to motivate us – I know that paying the mortgage bills is a pretty strong motivation to go to work each day, but wouldn’t you, if you could, do a job that you loved to get to each day and the pay at the end of it was a happy bonus? Our society puts so much emphasis upon material goods these days and less upon the emotional or spiritual, if you wish to call it that. Who is happier do you think – the guy commuting to London each morning with a 4 hour daily travelling time and eight hours spent in a little grey concrete box counting beans, or the one outside every day cutting down trees or even driving a tractor? Undoubtedly the bean counter has a far higher material standard of living, but is he as happy? In some cases the answer is a resounding yes, and there are plenty of tractor drivers who have had enough of ploughing up and down the same old patch of land year in year out for precious little in the way of financial reward. I guess what I’m saying here is that following your passion, your dream, is always a better way to live your life.
Some years ago I was a teacher. Many of my contemporaries at Uni are now headteachers, heads of department, important careers, well paid and undoubtedly many of them feel fulfilled and satisfied in their work. I made the decision to leave teaching because I wanted to do something more creative with my life. Financially the decision sucked. But I followed my passions – art, the countryside and writing – to mention just three. It’s a cliché but true that no one lies on their deathbed and says they wish they’d worked more. Follow your passion – you may end up poor, but at least you’ll be happy.
And yes, before you all start adding angry comments about how you’ll be miserable when poor, I realise that too….the real secret is to find the balance – to discover just how little you truly need – you might surprise yourself.
Oh, this is a very preachy post…..They don’t come up that often….must be something I ate.
Sunday 27 May 2007
Saturday 26 May 2007
The May Ball
Last night saw Jo and myself going off to the rugby club May Ball both dressed in slinky dresses, far too much makeup and industrial strength hair products. We had a great time, not least of all because wine was involved and after a lovely meal we went outside to the Entertainments….
After very little encouragement from one of the rugby coaches I had a go on the Bucking Bronco machine….bit hard to get up on the back of one of those things after a few glasses of wine, so the coach, in best coaching supportiveness grabbed hold of my rear end and pushed me up onto the mechanical beast….Rugby is after all a contact sport so I was in expert hands….
Next we tackled the dodgems – great fun apart from the whiplash injuries sustained. Back onto the Bucking Bronco – unfortunately the wine had got the better of me by this time and I found it impossible to hold on either with my knees or my hands for longer than approximately 20 seconds – possibly less. After that the only thing that remained was to have a go at the reverse Bungee – basically you are attached to a rope, you run as far as you can and the elastic rope pulls you back rather rapidly. Again I proved to be useless at this – I believe a good deal of body weight is required along with strength and as I was running against a 17 stone 6’4” rugby player I really didn’t stand a chance…but at least he managed to keep his trousers in one piece this year – a couple of years back he ripped his trousers from front to back along the crotch – it was a hired suit (DJ or tux to those of you in the US) and his wife had to stitch it up before they could return it…This year fortunately he owns his own and his wonderful lady had already reinforced the seams! Despite consuming a fair amount of wine I still remained sober enough to watch people which I love to do…. I am fascinated to observe how couples relate to one another in public…I would hazard a guess that because I have a recently failed major relationship behind me I have a greater interest than most…. I look to see if there are clues to success or else visible cracks in what other people have…. Watching friends and acquaintances I constantly wonder what makes some couples get together and stay together. Very often physical attractiveness doesn’t seem to feature – or at least, it doesn’t any longer, maybe it once did in the initial stages of attraction, but not now. And that seems a little odd at times – particularly if one partner appears to still be making a huge effort with their appearance and yet their other half just doesn’t bother. Or else they spend most of the evening with other people, not talking or even acknowledging each other…I wonder to myself if this is what a relationship looks like in its death-throes, or if this is just how this particular couple operate socially and behind closed doors the other is the most important person in the world. Because I think that’s what all of us want ultimately – to be the most important person in the world to someone. Some men and women would say that their children are the most important people in their lives but I disagree. I adore my two sons but I know that in ten or fifteen years time they will have their own very independent lives – in fact that will probably happen in less than ten years and I’ll be happy about that – that is what I want for my children – independence. My children won’t be there for me each night when I get home from work ready to listen to the petty details of my day, give me a hug and a glass of wine. They’ll maybe listen a bit and then want (I hope) to tell me of their latest achievements, high points, worries, and perhaps ask me for money or a lift somewhere! Children are only with us for a few short years and then they’re adults, off to conquer the world on their own. I believe that all of us want to have someone beside us so we conquer the world together, as equals. That’s not your child.
Funny, I seem to have wandered off topic again – I started wanting to talk about couple dynamics and have ended up talking about children, but I suppose it’s all connected…..
Friday 25 May 2007
Moving to the front of the roller coaster
It’s been a few days since I posted anything on here, sorry about that, but my life has been rather busy with work – both the temping and writing. The temping is going very well – I work for half the week in a fairly quiet office, the people are very nice and my boss is a climber so we can swap stories. The writing has moved on a bit, I have managed finally to write the masturbation scene – it was far more difficult than I had anticipated…If I had been writing for myself for fun or for someone as a ‘gift’ (ahem!) then it would have been fairly easy to get into it and enjoy it, but as this piece had to fit into the rest of a novel, to have a definite purpose, to move the narrative along, to make sense with the character and also be available to a wider audience then it ends up being more demanding for me. My supervisor was pleased with it and glad that I had bitten the bullet (so to speak!) and finally got something sexual into the novel instead of constantly hinting at it as I had been doing.
Sometimes I think we live our lives like that – constantly hinting at what we want from others and ourselves, but rarely coming out and saying it in plain language. I suppose if I had to make a New Year’s Resolution that is exactly what it would be – to tell people what I want from them, from myself, from life. To my knowledge and belief we only get one life so we should make it count.
I know from climbing that making a committed move takes courage – what do I mean? Well, sometimes when you’re on your way up a route there is a move you need to make that requires you to just trust and throw yourself into it, you might make it, you might not, but unless you try you won’t find out and you certainly won’t get to the top. I find it hard to make those committed moves – I mentally screw up my courage, tell myself I can do it and then attempt it. I can be heard on the rock face talking away to myself – “You can make that move. Think. It’s easy. If you were only a couple of feet of the ground you could do it. You can do it. Remember Yoga. You can do it. Just move. Do it.” Sadly I don’t always listen to myself.
I try in the rest of my life to do that though, and when it doesn’t involve physical danger it’s a little easier….I’m the sort of person who takes quite some time to come to a decision over major matters, but when I reach that point, then there is no changing my mind. And sometimes I can be impulsive about things and consciously don’t stop to think about the consequences – sometimes it’s good to just do things and not talk yourself out of them.
I guess I’m back talking about fear again…I seem to think about it quite a lot, but I don’t feel it so much these days. If my life was a roller coaster ride I would say I’ve moved from sitting in the safe part in the middle to a seat right at the front but I haven’t the courage to let go yet and put my hands in the air…..
Sometimes I think we live our lives like that – constantly hinting at what we want from others and ourselves, but rarely coming out and saying it in plain language. I suppose if I had to make a New Year’s Resolution that is exactly what it would be – to tell people what I want from them, from myself, from life. To my knowledge and belief we only get one life so we should make it count.
I know from climbing that making a committed move takes courage – what do I mean? Well, sometimes when you’re on your way up a route there is a move you need to make that requires you to just trust and throw yourself into it, you might make it, you might not, but unless you try you won’t find out and you certainly won’t get to the top. I find it hard to make those committed moves – I mentally screw up my courage, tell myself I can do it and then attempt it. I can be heard on the rock face talking away to myself – “You can make that move. Think. It’s easy. If you were only a couple of feet of the ground you could do it. You can do it. Remember Yoga. You can do it. Just move. Do it.” Sadly I don’t always listen to myself.
I try in the rest of my life to do that though, and when it doesn’t involve physical danger it’s a little easier….I’m the sort of person who takes quite some time to come to a decision over major matters, but when I reach that point, then there is no changing my mind. And sometimes I can be impulsive about things and consciously don’t stop to think about the consequences – sometimes it’s good to just do things and not talk yourself out of them.
I guess I’m back talking about fear again…I seem to think about it quite a lot, but I don’t feel it so much these days. If my life was a roller coaster ride I would say I’ve moved from sitting in the safe part in the middle to a seat right at the front but I haven’t the courage to let go yet and put my hands in the air…..
Tuesday 15 May 2007
Escaping
I’ve just been catching up with the news on the BBC website and I was really interested to read about Antony Gormley’s latest artwork. For those of you who are unaware of Gormley he’s the man behind the Angel of the North and some would say our greatest living sculptor in the UK. His latest piece is simply fog in a box – a giant glass chamber filled with fog which you can walk into and wander around in, entitled Blind Light. Art that is interactive and experiential like this I really love – it gives you a real feeling for what the artist is trying to say and it takes you mentally to another place. For me good art is the stuff that does that – takes you somewhere else. In fact not just visual art does that – good music does it too and in fact for me climbing does it as well. It’s hard to explain quite what I mean because physical things like climbing lifts one out of the mundane world in an entirely different way from art and music – climbing in many respects is similar to sex – as you’re climbing up a route there is a good deal of physical exertion, maybe some huffing and puffing, taking leaps of faith, and sheer hard slog, but when you reach the top there is an amazing feeling of achievement and euphoria, oh, and your legs shake. Whereas art and music lift you out of yourself by making your consciousness shift over in your brain from the left side where it is logical and analytical to the right side where it is creative. When I’m writing fiction, particularly the novel, I have to be in the right hand side of my brain which may sound particularly odd to some of you, but it’s similar I suppose to riding a bike – you can’t really explain how you do it, but the more you practise the easier it gets. Except that moving over into the right side isn’t always easy sometimes it’s damn hard to switch off from the world around you and slide into the other you who isn’t concerned about bills and diaries and deadlines.
Writing this I’m beginning to see a pattern emerge in my personality and maybe I should rename the blog accordingly – I like to escape – everything in my life (almost) is about escaping. I only tolerate the mundane bits so I can go off and do what really pleases me which is to leave all this behind. All my life I’ve read voraciously – escapism. I used to do lots of yoga – escapism. Now I climb….I write….I daydream.
It’s just like Oscar Wilde said – All of us are in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
If you get the chance to visit the Haywood Gallery where Antony Gormley’s Blind Light fog in a box piece is showing, go! The next time I’m in London I shall make a point of seeing it – it opens Thursday 17th and is on until 19th August. Maybe I should drag my kids up there on Sunday and see it as a birthday treat for myself….
Writing this I’m beginning to see a pattern emerge in my personality and maybe I should rename the blog accordingly – I like to escape – everything in my life (almost) is about escaping. I only tolerate the mundane bits so I can go off and do what really pleases me which is to leave all this behind. All my life I’ve read voraciously – escapism. I used to do lots of yoga – escapism. Now I climb….I write….I daydream.
It’s just like Oscar Wilde said – All of us are in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
If you get the chance to visit the Haywood Gallery where Antony Gormley’s Blind Light fog in a box piece is showing, go! The next time I’m in London I shall make a point of seeing it – it opens Thursday 17th and is on until 19th August. Maybe I should drag my kids up there on Sunday and see it as a birthday treat for myself….
Sunday 13 May 2007
Truth and Lies
A couple of days ago I posted about what women say and what they mean regarding descriptions of men. I’ve been thinking further about what we say and what we mean and why we do that.
Sometimes we say what we believe to be the kindest thing to prevent someone from having their feelings hurt – “Yes, I still love you” or, “No, you haven’t put on weight” or, “That was great, I really enjoyed myself” Very few of us actually want to hurt someone’s feelings willingly, so we lie, either by omission, avoidance or sometimes just a bare faced untruth. Would the world be a better place if we all told the truth? Even if we could couch the truth in niceness and gentle tones, would we rather hear – “You’ve put on weight, but I still love you.” Or how about, “I just don’t fancy you, but it would be nice to be friends because you make me laugh, but I really don’t want to kiss you anymore”
What about when you have a relationship that you think is one thing – friendship perhaps, yet your partner believes it to be more, or less….And then when the truth emerges, as it always does because none of us can keep our mouths shut, someone gets hurt….
Is it better to just stop contacting each other? Just go ‘cold turkey’ and walk away until some day in the future when you bump into each other and can be polite. Listening to the stories of my single girl friends sometimes it would appear that just cutting all ties is often the kindest way forward – and they were talking about being on the receiving end not doing the cutting themselves. It’s a common topic of conversation – Why didn’t he call? Whole books are published on the subject – one that springs to mind (even though I’ve not read it, but seen the reviews) is “He’s Just Not That into You!” Sometimes it would seem that rather than being lied to we are complicent in this and we lie to ourselves. I’d guess that men as much as women tell themselves that the Object of their desire really does like them – they’re being a little offhand because they’re tired/stressed/hungry but deep down they like you, a lot. So when the moment comes that the reality of the situation is uncovered, one and possibly both partners are left hurt.
I’m not sure what the answer is here – whether we should all be more up front and just say what we feel but then running the risk that the Object of our desire doesn’t feel the same way and the result is hurt feelings and looking foolish. Or alternatively we keep our feelings to ourselves, drop little hints and generally play hard-to-get.
One of the inherent problems with telling all – aside from the obvious rejection problem – is that some people, women certainly, think through all relationships to the logical conclusion…Even if you’ve only had one date…..The Natasha Beddingfield song about Wanting His Babies is very, very true….not that we do want every man’s babies, but rather that we’ve considered it and if we don’t have a problem with the idea of it then he’s safe to date….
Sometimes we say what we believe to be the kindest thing to prevent someone from having their feelings hurt – “Yes, I still love you” or, “No, you haven’t put on weight” or, “That was great, I really enjoyed myself” Very few of us actually want to hurt someone’s feelings willingly, so we lie, either by omission, avoidance or sometimes just a bare faced untruth. Would the world be a better place if we all told the truth? Even if we could couch the truth in niceness and gentle tones, would we rather hear – “You’ve put on weight, but I still love you.” Or how about, “I just don’t fancy you, but it would be nice to be friends because you make me laugh, but I really don’t want to kiss you anymore”
What about when you have a relationship that you think is one thing – friendship perhaps, yet your partner believes it to be more, or less….And then when the truth emerges, as it always does because none of us can keep our mouths shut, someone gets hurt….
Is it better to just stop contacting each other? Just go ‘cold turkey’ and walk away until some day in the future when you bump into each other and can be polite. Listening to the stories of my single girl friends sometimes it would appear that just cutting all ties is often the kindest way forward – and they were talking about being on the receiving end not doing the cutting themselves. It’s a common topic of conversation – Why didn’t he call? Whole books are published on the subject – one that springs to mind (even though I’ve not read it, but seen the reviews) is “He’s Just Not That into You!” Sometimes it would seem that rather than being lied to we are complicent in this and we lie to ourselves. I’d guess that men as much as women tell themselves that the Object of their desire really does like them – they’re being a little offhand because they’re tired/stressed/hungry but deep down they like you, a lot. So when the moment comes that the reality of the situation is uncovered, one and possibly both partners are left hurt.
I’m not sure what the answer is here – whether we should all be more up front and just say what we feel but then running the risk that the Object of our desire doesn’t feel the same way and the result is hurt feelings and looking foolish. Or alternatively we keep our feelings to ourselves, drop little hints and generally play hard-to-get.
One of the inherent problems with telling all – aside from the obvious rejection problem – is that some people, women certainly, think through all relationships to the logical conclusion…Even if you’ve only had one date…..The Natasha Beddingfield song about Wanting His Babies is very, very true….not that we do want every man’s babies, but rather that we’ve considered it and if we don’t have a problem with the idea of it then he’s safe to date….
Friday 11 May 2007
Be Specific!
Today I have to get another chapter of my novel written. On Tuesday I saw my supervisor (some of you may know that one of the reasons I’m actually getting this novel written is because I’m completing a Masters degree and it’s a requirement) she gave me some great ideas and encouragement but she also wants me to push myself a little further…..
My novel is very much underpinned by eroticism - by that I mean that the plot and the language that I’ve used is very intense, sensual and yes, a good deal of it has this seething sexual tension which is unsaid, always just under the surface. So, the advice I have been given is to push this further by making it more apparent and specific…..my supervisor pin-pointed this exactly – “You have to have a masturbation scene”
So that’s my task for the day.
And it's not an easy one....Some of you may be thinking - What a great job! But to write about something intimate is tricky anyway, add to that the descriptive necessities - it can't be clinical, well unless it needs to be clinical....It has to be sensual, a bit of a turn on, intimate, in keeping with the rest of the book, in keeping with the character, further the plot. Yes it would be much easier if it was just a practical exercise!
Just thought you might be interested. I’ll keep you all posted on its development and effectiveness!
My novel is very much underpinned by eroticism - by that I mean that the plot and the language that I’ve used is very intense, sensual and yes, a good deal of it has this seething sexual tension which is unsaid, always just under the surface. So, the advice I have been given is to push this further by making it more apparent and specific…..my supervisor pin-pointed this exactly – “You have to have a masturbation scene”
So that’s my task for the day.
And it's not an easy one....Some of you may be thinking - What a great job! But to write about something intimate is tricky anyway, add to that the descriptive necessities - it can't be clinical, well unless it needs to be clinical....It has to be sensual, a bit of a turn on, intimate, in keeping with the rest of the book, in keeping with the character, further the plot. Yes it would be much easier if it was just a practical exercise!
Just thought you might be interested. I’ll keep you all posted on its development and effectiveness!
Thursday 10 May 2007
On Cute
It’s got cold here again and the clouds have dropped down too so everything is grey and dull. This sort of weather always makes me feel down – unless of course I’m wrapped up, out hiking somewhere and have the promise of a hot bath and warm fire to curl up in front of when I return.
But at least life is taking a definite turn for the better these days. I have started a new temping job which will last for the next couple of months – it’s not the most exciting of jobs, but the people are nice and most importantly it’s all on flexi-time so I can set my own working hours so long as I do the number they need each week.
I’ve also got lots lined up with my girl friends – evenings out, girly nights in and plans for lots and lots of gossipy chats. I was discussing only yesterday with a male friend (hello Paul!) the nature of women’s conversation – what we say amongst ourselves and what we say in front of men….and also what we really mean when we talk to men…..Our conversation revolved around a chance remark about being “cute” and how men comprehend that compared to women’s understanding of the term….
In the interests of better understanding between the sexes I will recount some of my conversation….
Being called cute.....
Okay...here's the truth of the matter - most women are conditioned by society to find cute attractive, or else to use the term to describe an attractive man. If women (and I include myself in this one) had the courage they would be upfront and describe an attractive man in the terms they really mean instead of the short-hand of Cute. So, when I say a man is cute...what I really mean is "OMG, he is knicker-droppingly sexy" But wishing to remain a lady I describe him as cute.
Handsome is short-hand for either too young or too plastic. Good looking is acceptable, but usually used to describe your best friend's boyfriend - obviously you can't say, Wow, he's cute! Because she will know what you mean....
If,however, women are out on their own in a pub and see some attractive men they will say amongst themselves one of the following phrases...
"Look at him! He could do me anytime!"
"He is just sex on legs"
"Did you hear that noise? That was my knickers hitting the floor"
"Do you think he'll notice if I go up and start licking him?"
Now of course all of these remarks are made only in female company. If in mixed company - especially if the Object (of ones affections) is present, then it becomes,
"Oh, he's cute"
"What a nice looking man"
"Handsome"
"Do you know him?"
I hope this has cleared up any uncertainty and misunderstanding.
When I think of more, or indeed, have more conversations with my girl friends I will post accordingly.
But at least life is taking a definite turn for the better these days. I have started a new temping job which will last for the next couple of months – it’s not the most exciting of jobs, but the people are nice and most importantly it’s all on flexi-time so I can set my own working hours so long as I do the number they need each week.
I’ve also got lots lined up with my girl friends – evenings out, girly nights in and plans for lots and lots of gossipy chats. I was discussing only yesterday with a male friend (hello Paul!) the nature of women’s conversation – what we say amongst ourselves and what we say in front of men….and also what we really mean when we talk to men…..Our conversation revolved around a chance remark about being “cute” and how men comprehend that compared to women’s understanding of the term….
In the interests of better understanding between the sexes I will recount some of my conversation….
Being called cute.....
Okay...here's the truth of the matter - most women are conditioned by society to find cute attractive, or else to use the term to describe an attractive man. If women (and I include myself in this one) had the courage they would be upfront and describe an attractive man in the terms they really mean instead of the short-hand of Cute. So, when I say a man is cute...what I really mean is "OMG, he is knicker-droppingly sexy" But wishing to remain a lady I describe him as cute.
Handsome is short-hand for either too young or too plastic. Good looking is acceptable, but usually used to describe your best friend's boyfriend - obviously you can't say, Wow, he's cute! Because she will know what you mean....
If,however, women are out on their own in a pub and see some attractive men they will say amongst themselves one of the following phrases...
"Look at him! He could do me anytime!"
"He is just sex on legs"
"Did you hear that noise? That was my knickers hitting the floor"
"Do you think he'll notice if I go up and start licking him?"
Now of course all of these remarks are made only in female company. If in mixed company - especially if the Object (of ones affections) is present, then it becomes,
"Oh, he's cute"
"What a nice looking man"
"Handsome"
"Do you know him?"
I hope this has cleared up any uncertainty and misunderstanding.
When I think of more, or indeed, have more conversations with my girl friends I will post accordingly.
Friday 4 May 2007
Sometimes sitting down and writing can be really easy, I just sit there and the words all fall out. Other times it can be as if I had to physically pull thoughts and words from my head. Often it’s not helped at all by distractions – I’m not referring to the internet but to those distractions in the real world like the carpenter coming to hang new doors or my mother deciding she’d like an in depth conversation with me about the proposed colour of her wallpaper….None of it major stuff, but sometimes I’m a bit like a hamster – I need a warm little nest in which to cocoon myself (bit of a mixed metaphor but I’m sure you get the picture).
I think writers are by nature insular or at the very least introspective – I’m always examining not just what I’ve said, but what others have said to me. Almost every conversation I have is turned over in my mind, examined from every angle – Did she mean that when she said it? What does he want? Why have they said that to me? And perhaps most importantly – I wonder what will happen next?
After yesterday’s rather down post things took something of an upturn in my life and I spent the remainder of the day with a smile on my face….Why? Ah…now that would be telling….But it’s good when things you thought had gone forever make a welcome reappearance in your life, and it’s only then perhaps that you realise just how much you missed them…..
Anyway, I went off last night and attended the launch of Patricia Debney’s novel, Losing You . Patricia read from the book and ended on a cliff-hanger, so of course we all bought copies in order to find out what happens next. Jo and Eve met for the first time and of course they got on really well so a girls’ night out is definitely in order in the near future!
This post is a bit of a mishmash of ideas, nothing fully explored or really explained. A bit like my current mental state….unexplored and unconsidered – despite my remarks above that I consider everything…Which I do, I just haven’t had time yet to think all the recent events through….
I was supposed to be going to another Speed Dating event next Tuesday, for the 30-40 age group, I’ve cancelled it. As amusing as they’ve been, as a chaperone, as a participant I felt uncomfortable and sadly I didn’t really enjoy the enforced conversation with people I wouldn’t have spoken to otherwise….hmmm, that sounds terrible, but I think what I’m saying is that I’d rather meet people who have something in common with me. Whether it’s a fellow writer, or a climber, or perhaps something a little more obscure, but someone with whom I have some common ground. The only thing I had in common with the men at the Speed Dating Event was that we were all in the same bar at the same time. I can do that any weekend and not have to pay for the benefit. Sadly it also had an air of desperation about it and I’m not in any way desperate…but I think many of the men were.
I guess getting out into the world again and regaining ones social life is no simple task when your life has altered so radically. And that thing of considering every conversation you have – maybe it holds you back, I don’t know, but I do constantly wonder about other people and why they act in certain ways….That’s not very clear, I know. I suppose what I’m getting at is that rightly or wrongly, and actually now thinking this through and writing it down I can see that I’m perhaps getting this wrong….Is that I constantly think – Why did they do that? Is it because they really like me or are they just using me? And I realise that some of my reaction is caused by an occasional dip in self-esteem (hard to believe of me, I know!) and what I should really do is to just accept things at face value – the easiest answer is often the correct one.
Sorry for the general crapness of this post – maybe I’m not entirely out of the low that I hit yesterday….
I think writers are by nature insular or at the very least introspective – I’m always examining not just what I’ve said, but what others have said to me. Almost every conversation I have is turned over in my mind, examined from every angle – Did she mean that when she said it? What does he want? Why have they said that to me? And perhaps most importantly – I wonder what will happen next?
After yesterday’s rather down post things took something of an upturn in my life and I spent the remainder of the day with a smile on my face….Why? Ah…now that would be telling….But it’s good when things you thought had gone forever make a welcome reappearance in your life, and it’s only then perhaps that you realise just how much you missed them…..
Anyway, I went off last night and attended the launch of Patricia Debney’s novel, Losing You . Patricia read from the book and ended on a cliff-hanger, so of course we all bought copies in order to find out what happens next. Jo and Eve met for the first time and of course they got on really well so a girls’ night out is definitely in order in the near future!
This post is a bit of a mishmash of ideas, nothing fully explored or really explained. A bit like my current mental state….unexplored and unconsidered – despite my remarks above that I consider everything…Which I do, I just haven’t had time yet to think all the recent events through….
I was supposed to be going to another Speed Dating event next Tuesday, for the 30-40 age group, I’ve cancelled it. As amusing as they’ve been, as a chaperone, as a participant I felt uncomfortable and sadly I didn’t really enjoy the enforced conversation with people I wouldn’t have spoken to otherwise….hmmm, that sounds terrible, but I think what I’m saying is that I’d rather meet people who have something in common with me. Whether it’s a fellow writer, or a climber, or perhaps something a little more obscure, but someone with whom I have some common ground. The only thing I had in common with the men at the Speed Dating Event was that we were all in the same bar at the same time. I can do that any weekend and not have to pay for the benefit. Sadly it also had an air of desperation about it and I’m not in any way desperate…but I think many of the men were.
I guess getting out into the world again and regaining ones social life is no simple task when your life has altered so radically. And that thing of considering every conversation you have – maybe it holds you back, I don’t know, but I do constantly wonder about other people and why they act in certain ways….That’s not very clear, I know. I suppose what I’m getting at is that rightly or wrongly, and actually now thinking this through and writing it down I can see that I’m perhaps getting this wrong….Is that I constantly think – Why did they do that? Is it because they really like me or are they just using me? And I realise that some of my reaction is caused by an occasional dip in self-esteem (hard to believe of me, I know!) and what I should really do is to just accept things at face value – the easiest answer is often the correct one.
Sorry for the general crapness of this post – maybe I’m not entirely out of the low that I hit yesterday….
Thursday 3 May 2007
Feeling low.
The weather has changed here – for the last few weeks we’ve had endless sunshine, blue skies and it’s been warm too. Today it’s overcast and cold. Maybe it’s the weather that’s causing me to feel low, or maybe it’s my biorhythms or something like that – not that I know anything about biorhythms.
Ups and downs are a natural part of life – the usual ebb and flow of our emotional state together with the ever changing state of ones day to day existence. Of course without the lows one can never truly experience the highs. That said the emptiness brought on by the lows is just depressing. A certain neediness begins to express itself in most of us – whether that’s in the form of eating more, drinking more, going shopping or crying down the telephone to your friends. But even doing those things doesn’t really fill the aching void that sits there within you.
For me now is a good time to sit and write – particularly the Novel – it relies so much upon the central character having extreme emotions that to attempt to write the passages when she is depressed is considerably harder when I’m in a good mood. I suppose that whether I like it or not I tend to write in a manner similar to that of a Method Actor – it’s necessary to experience the feelings for oneself in order to give a true representation of them. And sometimes that can be great fun – just removing the inhibitions of common sense and allowing my imagination to roam freely amongst the wilder areas that tend to see little of the light of day. Other times it can be almost cathartic to put down on (virtual) paper all that I feel in very brutal statements – getting all the bile out and away from me. Sometimes, like now, it just all makes me feel tired and I have a huge desire to just go to sleep, pull the duvet over my head and close out the world until I feel stronger.
I know that the low feeling will pass – they always do because nothing lasts forever, but just now I’m flat. I read somewhere, or maybe heard on a Radio 4 programme, that when you feel down – although thinking about it I believe the programme was referring specifically to proper depression, not just being a bit pissed off, but anyway….What they suggested was that you should ‘enjoy’ that time – see it as a time for withdrawing from your life and recuperating – taking time out for yourself, pampering yourself and not trying to be or do anymore than you are. That sounds just like I live my life anyway….
Generally my advice to others when they’re down is to count your blessings – yes I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true that there is always someone worse off, and we take so much for granted in our society that it’s too easy to forget how fortunate we are to have a roof over our heads, food, fresh water, all of those things that are just there. At the moment however, I can’t take my own advice. Nothing really to feel majorly miserable about, but as someone just put it to me, Life is a bit shite at the moment.
And funnily enough that made me smile, thanks Nick.
Ups and downs are a natural part of life – the usual ebb and flow of our emotional state together with the ever changing state of ones day to day existence. Of course without the lows one can never truly experience the highs. That said the emptiness brought on by the lows is just depressing. A certain neediness begins to express itself in most of us – whether that’s in the form of eating more, drinking more, going shopping or crying down the telephone to your friends. But even doing those things doesn’t really fill the aching void that sits there within you.
For me now is a good time to sit and write – particularly the Novel – it relies so much upon the central character having extreme emotions that to attempt to write the passages when she is depressed is considerably harder when I’m in a good mood. I suppose that whether I like it or not I tend to write in a manner similar to that of a Method Actor – it’s necessary to experience the feelings for oneself in order to give a true representation of them. And sometimes that can be great fun – just removing the inhibitions of common sense and allowing my imagination to roam freely amongst the wilder areas that tend to see little of the light of day. Other times it can be almost cathartic to put down on (virtual) paper all that I feel in very brutal statements – getting all the bile out and away from me. Sometimes, like now, it just all makes me feel tired and I have a huge desire to just go to sleep, pull the duvet over my head and close out the world until I feel stronger.
I know that the low feeling will pass – they always do because nothing lasts forever, but just now I’m flat. I read somewhere, or maybe heard on a Radio 4 programme, that when you feel down – although thinking about it I believe the programme was referring specifically to proper depression, not just being a bit pissed off, but anyway….What they suggested was that you should ‘enjoy’ that time – see it as a time for withdrawing from your life and recuperating – taking time out for yourself, pampering yourself and not trying to be or do anymore than you are. That sounds just like I live my life anyway….
Generally my advice to others when they’re down is to count your blessings – yes I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true that there is always someone worse off, and we take so much for granted in our society that it’s too easy to forget how fortunate we are to have a roof over our heads, food, fresh water, all of those things that are just there. At the moment however, I can’t take my own advice. Nothing really to feel majorly miserable about, but as someone just put it to me, Life is a bit shite at the moment.
And funnily enough that made me smile, thanks Nick.
Wednesday 2 May 2007
Speed Dating? Not again!
As a writer I feel it’s my duty to have lots of adventures so that my writing can reflect the breadth of experience…or maybe I just like to get out and have fun….
Anyway, last night in the pursuit of fun and adventure I was persuaded by Jo to have a crack at Speed Dating – having now been an innocent bystander twice, she thought it was time to get my hands dirty, so to speak. The whole experience was made all the better by having not just one female friend there, Jo, but coincidentally, three others – one I’d met at the last Speed Dating event, she too had been a chaperone, and also two other fellow Rugby club members.
So there I was looking reasonably glamorous and above all, eager, sitting at a table in the window of a bar waiting for my first victim, erm, no, date. Jo was at the table next to me looking stunning as usual – imagine a near six foot, size 10 (UK) version of the actress Sarah Lancashire with a platinum blonde bob and that’s Jo – so she’s pretty eye catching. Jo jokingly says to me, wouldn’t it be funny if your ex was to walk past on his way to the cash point. Ha ha I say. And then Jo went white…..he DID walk past! Twice! Jo and I dissolved into embarrassed giggles – I was mortified and wanted to climb under the table – particularly as the organiser was giving her pep talk at the time, she saw us in uncontrollable giggles and asked what was wrong, “Her ex husband has just walked past!” shouts out Jo cheerfully. Thanks.
Well it did effectively break the ice and I don’t think that Jo and I were as nervous after that, well, not nervous of our ‘dates’, I was slightly nervous that my ex would come in and ask me if I had taken leave of my senses, or worse, stand outside point at my 3 minute victim and laugh….
So, the Dates. 17 men all supposedly within the ages of 35-45, were they? Maybe one or two was actually in his 30s, the rest were at least 45 but more likely nearer to 55 or even 65. If I was to attempt Speed Dating again I would either go to the 30-40 bracket or more likely 25-35 at least that way I would perhaps meet someone only a year or two older than me and not from an entirely different generation!
Most of the men seemed to be reasonably nice people, some were more charming than others, some more interesting than others. One was more mad than any other man I’ve met before….he had arrived with a mobile phone clamped to his ear and an ordnance survey map flapping out of the waistband of his trousers. He also possessed what I think is the last pair of NHS glasses in existence which is shocking considering we were only a couple of hundreds of yards from SpecSavers. He sat down and mumbled on about the recent earthquake that we experienced down here in Kent. Much of what he said I couldn’t hear but I did make out his general annoyance with local government who apparently contact him every time there is a natural disaster – the earthquake, a hurricane (this happened last month according to him, I missed it myself) – they contact him, ask for his ‘expert’ knowledge (on what I have no idea) and then they don’t even offer him payment or a permanent job. I made all the right noises and nodded encouragingly. He was clearly impressed by this and asked me if I listened to Radio Caroline….I didn’t have the heart to tell him it’s been gone for a long time, so I said I remembered it (that was a lie, I have heard of it, know some of the stories about it being the forerunner to Radio 1 and so on, but it was before my time I think). He then went on to tell me about a Dutch radio station that operates next door to Caroline (erm…wasn’t Radio Caroline on a boat?) he gave me the frequency to tune into and then asked me what my favourite song was….My mind went blank except for two things – James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful – no good, no good at all, it would give him all the wrong ideas! Or alternatively someone has been attempting to convert me to Leonard Cohen – now that would send out all the right messages, so Leonard it was. So if I tune in today I could hear a Leonard Cohen song which he would have broadcast just for me. Afterwards I discovered this man had told at least one woman that he finds it very hard to meet women for sex. That’s a great chat up line.
Aside from him I also managed to put my foot in it with a chap who works as a Safety Officer for a Nuclear power station – “You’re Homer Simpson!” I blurted out without giving it a second thought….
I also had a rather pained conversation with an older man who told me he drove a lorry. I attempted to draw him out and ask which firm – no reply. So I asked what he carried in his lorry – he told me the firm was based in London and did contract work for the local government. Oh, says I, that sounds interesting, and then I repeat my question, What do you have in your lorry? Finally I get a reply – Household Waste Management……Yes dear reader, he was a Bin Man. Now don’t get me wrong – there is nothing at all wrong with being a Bin Man – it’s an essential job that all of us rely on each week, or every other week in some areas around here…And not a job he should be ashamed of having, but he clearly was and didn’t have a sense of humour about it, and as we all know, humour cures all.
The end of the evening saw me with a score card filled with crosses all in the Miss column – maybe some of the men were very nice, but I’d rather stay single than settle. In fact I’d go so far as to say that I’d seriously consider taking up lesbianism as a lifestyle choice if the men last night were truly representative of the single men out there.
Anyway, last night in the pursuit of fun and adventure I was persuaded by Jo to have a crack at Speed Dating – having now been an innocent bystander twice, she thought it was time to get my hands dirty, so to speak. The whole experience was made all the better by having not just one female friend there, Jo, but coincidentally, three others – one I’d met at the last Speed Dating event, she too had been a chaperone, and also two other fellow Rugby club members.
So there I was looking reasonably glamorous and above all, eager, sitting at a table in the window of a bar waiting for my first victim, erm, no, date. Jo was at the table next to me looking stunning as usual – imagine a near six foot, size 10 (UK) version of the actress Sarah Lancashire with a platinum blonde bob and that’s Jo – so she’s pretty eye catching. Jo jokingly says to me, wouldn’t it be funny if your ex was to walk past on his way to the cash point. Ha ha I say. And then Jo went white…..he DID walk past! Twice! Jo and I dissolved into embarrassed giggles – I was mortified and wanted to climb under the table – particularly as the organiser was giving her pep talk at the time, she saw us in uncontrollable giggles and asked what was wrong, “Her ex husband has just walked past!” shouts out Jo cheerfully. Thanks.
Well it did effectively break the ice and I don’t think that Jo and I were as nervous after that, well, not nervous of our ‘dates’, I was slightly nervous that my ex would come in and ask me if I had taken leave of my senses, or worse, stand outside point at my 3 minute victim and laugh….
So, the Dates. 17 men all supposedly within the ages of 35-45, were they? Maybe one or two was actually in his 30s, the rest were at least 45 but more likely nearer to 55 or even 65. If I was to attempt Speed Dating again I would either go to the 30-40 bracket or more likely 25-35 at least that way I would perhaps meet someone only a year or two older than me and not from an entirely different generation!
Most of the men seemed to be reasonably nice people, some were more charming than others, some more interesting than others. One was more mad than any other man I’ve met before….he had arrived with a mobile phone clamped to his ear and an ordnance survey map flapping out of the waistband of his trousers. He also possessed what I think is the last pair of NHS glasses in existence which is shocking considering we were only a couple of hundreds of yards from SpecSavers. He sat down and mumbled on about the recent earthquake that we experienced down here in Kent. Much of what he said I couldn’t hear but I did make out his general annoyance with local government who apparently contact him every time there is a natural disaster – the earthquake, a hurricane (this happened last month according to him, I missed it myself) – they contact him, ask for his ‘expert’ knowledge (on what I have no idea) and then they don’t even offer him payment or a permanent job. I made all the right noises and nodded encouragingly. He was clearly impressed by this and asked me if I listened to Radio Caroline….I didn’t have the heart to tell him it’s been gone for a long time, so I said I remembered it (that was a lie, I have heard of it, know some of the stories about it being the forerunner to Radio 1 and so on, but it was before my time I think). He then went on to tell me about a Dutch radio station that operates next door to Caroline (erm…wasn’t Radio Caroline on a boat?) he gave me the frequency to tune into and then asked me what my favourite song was….My mind went blank except for two things – James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful – no good, no good at all, it would give him all the wrong ideas! Or alternatively someone has been attempting to convert me to Leonard Cohen – now that would send out all the right messages, so Leonard it was. So if I tune in today I could hear a Leonard Cohen song which he would have broadcast just for me. Afterwards I discovered this man had told at least one woman that he finds it very hard to meet women for sex. That’s a great chat up line.
Aside from him I also managed to put my foot in it with a chap who works as a Safety Officer for a Nuclear power station – “You’re Homer Simpson!” I blurted out without giving it a second thought….
I also had a rather pained conversation with an older man who told me he drove a lorry. I attempted to draw him out and ask which firm – no reply. So I asked what he carried in his lorry – he told me the firm was based in London and did contract work for the local government. Oh, says I, that sounds interesting, and then I repeat my question, What do you have in your lorry? Finally I get a reply – Household Waste Management……Yes dear reader, he was a Bin Man. Now don’t get me wrong – there is nothing at all wrong with being a Bin Man – it’s an essential job that all of us rely on each week, or every other week in some areas around here…And not a job he should be ashamed of having, but he clearly was and didn’t have a sense of humour about it, and as we all know, humour cures all.
The end of the evening saw me with a score card filled with crosses all in the Miss column – maybe some of the men were very nice, but I’d rather stay single than settle. In fact I’d go so far as to say that I’d seriously consider taking up lesbianism as a lifestyle choice if the men last night were truly representative of the single men out there.
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