Moving On

It's amazing how resilient the human spirit is...how quickly we get over things...how quickly we get over people, move on and alter our lives. Ten years ago my grandmother died as did a good friend who was only in his twenties. I wouldn't say that now it's as if they never existed, but I suppose the hole left by people simply closes up or gets filled with other stuff. The only real constant in our lives is us. Sometimes it can feel - certainly to me - that my life is like a bus journey and friends and relatives are with me for part of the journey but they either get on after me or before me...and some stay longer than others. Of course there are the figures in your life that you believe will be there for the whole journey but they're not...they leave before you'd like them to or maybe you get off their bus first.

Strange analogy I know, but it seems to make sense to me especially while my life is in such flux.

One never knows quite what is going to be around the corner, or who for that matter. And it's the who that now many of my friends are concerned about....I'm preparing myself for a flurry of invitations in the coming months...many of my married friends have taken it upon themselves to find what they believe I need - a single fit man in his thirties. It's great to know that my friends care about my well-being and so on, but more than a little disconcerting to know they're considering fixing me up....Perhaps my single status is disapproved of or maybe even feared - is it catching maybe?

A Thoughtful One

I'm into the thick of writing these days - the final throes of the novella. So all that tight plotting and sentence construction does rather tend to make me fall back on myself. I can be a very introspective person at the best of times - I've mentioned here before that I like nothing more than to examine conversations I've had with a microscope - or Fine Tooth Comb as my mother would say. Considering how a character might act or react leads me to consider my actions and the actions of those around me too.

I do wonder about the whole notion of Nature versus Nurture - you know the idea that we are who we are because of our inherited genes, or because of what we may have experienced. I'm inclined to think that our genes provide a starting block and nurture - our experiences give us the shades and tones of our characters. As a child I believed quite firmly that before being born we each were given a film show of potential lives and then told to chose one - none being necessarily better than another, but each with hardship and happiness and more importantly the opportunities for learning. I believed that everyone was here for a purpose - to achieve something, to learn something or teach something, and once that purpose was met then our lives would be over - we would return to the celestial waiting room and go through the entire process again. I think a lot of my ideas came from reading things like Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha when I was at school. So I suppose that proves my theory too - I am a product of my own reading and education, but only because I already had certain leanings because of my inherited nature from my parents - a great deal of books that I read as a child came from my dad's huge collection. I was always encouraged to read anything I could lay my hands on and subsequently by the time I left school I had worked my way through popular fiction in the shape of Stephen King, Jackie Collins and Danielle Steel (shared those ones with my mum) and I'd also dipped into some great literature like Hesse, Nin, H.G.Wells, John Wyndham,Orwell,Hardy and loads more. Reading and writing have always been fundamental facets of my personality.

Strangely enough this post was going to be about the effect different people have upon ones life...hmm...I've ended up writing about books. That says a great deal about me.

I've always been of the opinion that I'm a very straightforward person - I was once described as an Open Book - easy to read and with no secrets. But I was told the other day that I am a difficult and demanding character - not in a bad way, but nonetheless, not straightforward at all. I suppose we all become more difficult and demanding as life's experiences shape us and leave us a little more wary and afraid of being hurt again. I'm often saying that I wish people would be honest with me. Why can't men be honest with women? Or women honest with men? Just a few exchanges with my friends opens a whole new can of worms about lack of communication and honesty in their personal relationships.

Honesty is a wonderful thing but sometimes we don't want to hear the truth.

This post is terribly obtuse I'm afraid...unformed ideas appearing on the screen springing from lots of deep thoughts and the usual chaos of my life...and as usual I'm unwilling to come clean about quite what is bugging me...partly to protect the innocent (who would that be then?) and partly to preserve some weak façade of privacy which is hypocritical to say the least - I keep a blog for god's sake! Suffice to say things aren't straightforward, quite the reverse.

Not the usual playful post. Deeply thoughtful. Perhaps when it all comes out in the wash I'll be able to unravel it.

So, what have I been up to of late? I went climbing in Wales for the day the other weekend - that was a lot of fun. Good weather, good climbing and good company - all in all a very successful day in the Wye Valley. That's not me doing the lead climb here in this photo - I don't lead, I'm not even very keen on it at an inside climbing wall, I'd far rather push myself by completing a clean good climb without the sheer panic of placing gear and worrying that I'm going to fall off any moment. Call me a wimp, call me anything you like, I'm more than happy to second or top rope.



Apologies to those of you who don't climb and have no idea what the hell I was on about there...



Anyway, on with the show...

I went and saw the Angry Pirates again on Friday - this time with Jo and The Flatterer (who has now become part of the crowd of friends and no longer the object of Jo's lust). We had a great time and I ended up drinking far too much wine (for me...not for any normal human being - 4 glasses). Fortunately I wasn't too embarrassing although I did end up telephoning a friend and boring them and not surprisingly they've avoided me since then.

Last night I was lying in bed thinking about composing this post - I do that quite often - compose bits of writing in my head and then forget them. I know I should keep a notebook next to me at all times - actually I do that but I still often don't bother to record my thoughts and they're lost forever. This post was supposed to be very deep and thoughtful all about something to do with relationships with people. I can't even remember the main theme to be honest...Probably more navel gazing....although naval gazing would be more interesting (NOTE - wit hidden in spelling!). Talking of wit - I'm missing writing humour these days...I'm on the downward stretch for my novella - it's drawing to a close and I need to tie up the loose ends and complete it. I guess that those of you who have got to know me from my writing will know that one of the main reasons for posting this will be to avoid writing anything else, procrastinator that I am....

This post is rambling. Maybe when I can remember what I wanted to talk about I'll post something worth reading.

Oh! One thing I want to mention....the whole being Stood Up bit....
I forgot something vital that I learned some time ago - it's obvious really, but I still forget it sometimes -

You can only be responsible and in control of your own behaviour, your own reactions. Not anyone else's.

In other words, no point in getting irritated by someone's behaviour - you can't change it just by being angry with them, it's pointless and only hurts you.

Buddha-like serenity and equanimity henceforth shall be found here.
(Dictionaries can be found at the back...cheek and sarcasm has not dissipated).