Body ideals

Removed these two images - one of an extremely underweight woman, the other overweight as the blog was getting labelled as Pornography - yes, the naked female form without any genitalia or breasts in view is still pornographic - who knows how Botticelli paintings online get labelled....

For the first time ever in my life I've finally reached a feeling of equilibrium with my body - most women fight against their desire to consume vast quantities of chocolate and pies as it will make them horribly fat and therefore unattractive - of course. I'm not even going to get into the arguments about female body image, fashion, size zero, blah, blah, blah. We all know, we've all read it and quite frankly I'm sick of it. The fact of the matter is I'm happier when I'm slim, fit and healthy because my clothes fit better, look better and I feel better and look better. Right now I've got a good balance between eating and exercising - in the last week I've done around 20 miles (mainly off road) on my bike, about half a kilometre swimming and climbed around 120m. None of these are particularly impressive but they mean that I don't have to worry too much about what I'm eating. If I want to have that bar of chocolate I can. I'm a great believer in all things in moderation and eating what I chose to eat, when I want to, is all part of it.

For my part I believe that being healthy is far, far more important than being skinny. I don't want to be skinny. I want to be fit. I like having enough muscle to be able to pull myself up a wall or cycle hard up a hill. If during the process of all that exercise I lose some flab then that's terrific. I don't want bits that wobble, but equally I don't want my bones showing. Women, and men for that matter, all look better when their skeletons are not visible but their musculature is visible a little. I'm not keen on over muscled bodies, male or female, but both climbers and cyclists tend to have little fat and great lean muscles. That's the look I'm after - lean but most importantly, functional. No point at all, to my mind, in having either skin and bone or bulked up pecs. I want to see people who look as though they could work outside all day lugging around things or throwing themselves up or off things. I believe that's the idea for the human frame. In fact so did the Greeks and Romans...when I was doing my A levels I spent many happy hours looking at ancient sculptures....

There is of course a huge pressure on us all to look a certain way. The pressure isn't entirely fuelled by the Media as I believe a good deal of the pressure is from within - because I like the athletic look I want to emulate that. Likewise if I thought that the likes of Jordan or other glamour models were beautiful - which in many ways they are - and more importantly, ideally achievable, then I'd be working towards looking like an Essex Babe. But that doesn't do it for me. Added to which the day to day pressures of just what's going on in our lives does have a bearing. I'm not afflicted by fame - despite my magazine column with accompanying photograph - so I don't know how I'd deal with the constant hounding that some stars seem to attract. Stress always has an adverse effect on some personality types leading to either the gaining or losing of large amounts of weight. Drug or drink habits don't help. I can't stop being reminded of a picture I saw the other day of Amy Winehouse - not the terrible spotty one, but the photos showing the change she's undergone in the last few years from beautiful young woman to a bag of bones. It would seem that there isn't much hope for her as she appears to be self-destructing right before our eyes.

Hello again!

Okay, first off, huge apologies for not keeping this up to date....

I am now the proud possessor of a shiny new Masters Degree in Creative Writing...what good it'll do me I don't know, but it was fun to do. I've been writing quite a bit for the magazine...those of you in the know will have noticed my face peering out at you from the pages with greater regularity recently.

I've also completed my first trad lead climb outside in the Wye Valley - the day was both exhilarating and terrifying in equal parts.

I've been out on a couple of dates and discovered that men are far, far more complex than me. Personally I'd settle for a good friend with whom I can go to the cinema, have a nice meal and a good laugh. I've been rather disappointed to discover that the caveman instincts which see women as possessions never seem far below the cultured modern surface....

However, I've never been one to tar all people with the same brush and I tend to take people as I find them...no doubt normality lies out there, somewhere....



Oh dear, this post does sound rather depressing....and as if I'm generally disappointed with all mankind...Which is not at all the case...there are some very bright sparks on the horizon...and the black spots are all behind me, I hope!

So, what have I been up to of late? I went climbing in Wales for the day the other weekend - that was a lot of fun. Good weather, good climbing and good company - all in all a very successful day in the Wye Valley. That's not me doing the lead climb here in this photo - I don't lead, I'm not even very keen on it at an inside climbing wall, I'd far rather push myself by completing a clean good climb without the sheer panic of placing gear and worrying that I'm going to fall off any moment. Call me a wimp, call me anything you like, I'm more than happy to second or top rope.



Apologies to those of you who don't climb and have no idea what the hell I was on about there...



Anyway, on with the show...

I went and saw the Angry Pirates again on Friday - this time with Jo and The Flatterer (who has now become part of the crowd of friends and no longer the object of Jo's lust). We had a great time and I ended up drinking far too much wine (for me...not for any normal human being - 4 glasses). Fortunately I wasn't too embarrassing although I did end up telephoning a friend and boring them and not surprisingly they've avoided me since then.

Last night I was lying in bed thinking about composing this post - I do that quite often - compose bits of writing in my head and then forget them. I know I should keep a notebook next to me at all times - actually I do that but I still often don't bother to record my thoughts and they're lost forever. This post was supposed to be very deep and thoughtful all about something to do with relationships with people. I can't even remember the main theme to be honest...Probably more navel gazing....although naval gazing would be more interesting (NOTE - wit hidden in spelling!). Talking of wit - I'm missing writing humour these days...I'm on the downward stretch for my novella - it's drawing to a close and I need to tie up the loose ends and complete it. I guess that those of you who have got to know me from my writing will know that one of the main reasons for posting this will be to avoid writing anything else, procrastinator that I am....

This post is rambling. Maybe when I can remember what I wanted to talk about I'll post something worth reading.

Oh! One thing I want to mention....the whole being Stood Up bit....
I forgot something vital that I learned some time ago - it's obvious really, but I still forget it sometimes -

You can only be responsible and in control of your own behaviour, your own reactions. Not anyone else's.

In other words, no point in getting irritated by someone's behaviour - you can't change it just by being angry with them, it's pointless and only hurts you.

Buddha-like serenity and equanimity henceforth shall be found here.
(Dictionaries can be found at the back...cheek and sarcasm has not dissipated).

Las Vegas

The desert and canyon country of Zion and Bryce were the last we were to have of peace and quiet and a little slower pace of life....Las Vegas beckoned...

There was firstly a few hours drive across the Mojave desert to be negotiated, passing by the largest thermometer in the world which I personally was thrilled to see. The driving was all that you would expect it to be - automatic car set to cruise control on a dead straight road - it was suggested to me by a friend that I could have played cards whilst going along to prevent boredom - not such a bad idea actually.

In Vegas we stayed at Circus, Circus which is as its name implies, a circus, or at least, it has a circus going on inside the hotel all the time...Well, actually it doesn't...what it has is a small stage set up inside a Big Top style area where every couple of hours some sort of act is performed - Jugglers, Acrobats, Trapeze artists, that sort of thing. The hotel and casino is probably better known in Vegas for its inside theme park which is a little smaller than Metroland at the Metro Centre in Gateshead but just as noisy. And yes, several hours were spent there going on the roller coaster and the log flume ride.


Vegas itself was a mixed bag. Plenty of Americans go wild for hotels like the Venetian where you can ride in a gondola under a fake Bridge of Sighs but for Europeans (read - Me) it was tacky on a grand scale...But then that's only because of the general arrogance of Europeans (Me) who have been to see the real Bridge of Sighs so why on earth would I want to have a go on the fake one? Some parts of Vegas are a must see but in all honesty, it would be far, far better to go on an adults only trip...It's not terribly family friendly despite the best efforts of Circus, Circus. The main road - the strip - is punctuated by guys selling tickets for clip joints and every newspaper stand (the ones where you put in your money, open the plastic box and take out the paper) was filled with porn magazines. Even the once thrilling Treasure Island extravaganza - a pirate adventure on full sized ships on water, which took place each evening outside the Treasure Island hotel, has changed...It's now called TI and the pirates have been added to....now there is a ship full of scantily clad 'Sirens' who do the whole pole dancing bit and entice the pirates aboard their ship. The show is on each evening and it's all free...people (mainly men) start hanging around waiting for the show to begin about an hour before the start....Add to this a Spearmint Rhino and Hooters, not forgetting the seedier places off the strip and you've got an Adult playground complete with the casinos and nightclubs.

All of that aside, half an hour's drive down the road from Las Vegas will take you to Red Rock Canyon National Park which is renowned the world over for its sport climbing. We took a drive out there and I rather grumpily drooled over the rock faces - I say grumpily because it was well over 100 degrees - too hot for me to climb and I hadn't organised it properly either, so I sulked, despite having no one to blame but myself.

I was quite happy to leave Vegas when the time came - it was loud and brash and I felt like I was missing out on the party most of the time. I would go back there again though, but it would be with climbing friends, all adults, and the days would be spent at Red Rock and the nights out on the town...Now that would be some trip!

So, the day before yesterday (Wednesday) the kids and I went on a trail ride. Great fun, knackered old horses that only walk along the same old paths, but it's fabulous scenery and the trail guide was a very cute cowboy called Trey. We rode for four hours altogether and I stupidly forgot to apply sunblock so I now have a very fetching t-shirt tan....We went off to see the Rodeo in the evening - mainly because the lovely Trey was going to be there - the kids thought he was great and I thought he was very nice and very, very young - I jokingly said I'd buy him a drink if we saw him later (as you do...) and he asked where I was planning to be....Oops, he's keen...Sort of made me feel a little like a dirty old man....only a little though...mostly I felt flattered! And then I remembered - he's a College student - offer any student a free drink and they'll be there no matter what...
The Rodeo was fun and just like watching a film - in fact most of this holiday has been like so many US films which I suppose proves that either their films correctly capture life here or else life really does imitate art....

Yesterday we had a really great day - we got a guide (Jed) and went off into Grand Teton National Park and climbed in the shadow of the Cathedral Peaks. The photo here is one I took.
It was really good climbing - all granite and really easy compared to Southern Sandstone which is all I've climbed on outside so far. However, it was in the high 90s all day, very low humidity and it's over 7,000 feet above sea level, so when I did a couple of harder routes I felt like I was going to die! One particular climb was a really interesting little route - a nice flake to start with and then into a wide crack-like chimney which had a fairly big overhang. I had three goes at completing it but the heat just got to me (climber's excuse #23) it's a real shame that I'll probably never go back there and nail that one....

On the way back we passed loads of people standing taking photos on a bridge and a park ranger standing guard - wildlife! So we pulled over and got out to take a look and were rewarded with the sight of a huge moose sitting in the middle of a shady stream ignoring the stupid overheated humans taking pictures.
Later that evening I could be found attempting to sleep with my eyes open while drinking Purple People Eaters (I'd never tried or heard of them before, but they come in a pint glass....)

Today we slept in until after 9am - all that fresh air and activity finally slowed the kids up (thank god!). After a little light shopping we went back to the ranch where we had taken our trail ride the other day, but this time we went for a shorter ride and had a Cowboy Cook-Out....Sadly Trey didn't join us (well, actually he did show up just as we were about to leave - looking all puppy dog eyed and asking if we were going to the Rodeo tomorrow night as he's doing Bull Riding....and we might go....but only because the kids want to see it!). And this time the ride was a little more eventful - first of all Ashley our cowgirl guide almost got thrown from her horse as it got spooked by something, and then one of my delightful sons lost his (new) cowboy hat to the wind which in turn spooked my horse who spectacularly threw me off....Fortunately I fell with tremendous grace (ha!) and didn't get hurt at all - well, perhaps my pride, but only slightly - I got hold of my horse, calmed him down and climbed back on....then I felt very pleased with myself, particularly as this was only the third time in my life that I've ridden a horse! But don't forget that these very docile horses are very similar to the tired out beach donkeys....so my fall and return to the saddle isn't quite as impressive as I'd like.....

Tomorrow we're planning to go to the local Farmers' Market, the town shoot out (happens daily Monday to Saturday) and then onto the Rodeo. Dear god, I feel like I'm trapped in either a Country and Western song or else a 1950s cowboy film....But hey, next week I'll be in Vegas and I can pretend I'm in either Ocean's Eleven or Casino!

Yellowstone National Park and no Yogi Bear!

I'm here in the USA. I've seen Old Faithful, the Morning Glory pool, a black bear, plenty of geysers and lots and lots of burnt trees. Yellowstone National Park is beautiful and strange too - the hot springs and other geo-thermal features are quite breathtaking (not least of all because of the stink of sulphur!).
Disappointingly there is no mention anywhere of Yogi Bear and Booboo - so anyone who grew up in the 70s and 80s watching the Smarter than Average Bear outwit the Ranger won't find them here at the real Jellystone Park.
So, having seen all of that we've moved on and now we're in Jackson Hole, Wyoming - a real (tourist) cowboy town....Tomorrow I'm off with the kids to spend the day horseriding. Thursday we're going climbing in the Tetons (yeah, be jealous!) so it's busy, busy, busy...whitewater rafting later in the week, a rodeo tomorrow night and sometime around the weekend I shall be slumped in a heap somewhere!

One of the things I've really enjoyed since I've been here is French Toast (posh eggy bread) - I would never dream of eating it back home in the UK but here, with maple syrup drizzled over....mmmmmmmmmmmmmm! And I've been eating ice cream each day, huge ice creams - great flavours and toppings. Yes, I shall return carrying some excess baggage I suspect, in the shape of a few extra pounds...

Going Away....

Later this week I’m off to the States with my parents and the kids – an epic road trip starting in Billings, Montana and ending up in Los Angeles, with a quick stop off with family in Detroit before returning to the UK. I’m hoping that while I’m away I’ll be able to post the occasional blog entry and certainly keep up with friends via email and as I’ve even been able to sort out a cell phone for the US I may be able to phone some of you too…

I have sort of mixed feelings about the trip: on the one hand it’s going to be great to get away, visit a beautiful part of the world, go climbing in some amazing places, spend time with the kids, with my parents, go horse riding, white water rafting and generally be on the go the entire time…But on the other hand I’m going to be spending the entire time with my parents, the kids, all up close and personal and I won’t have the usual outlet of seeing and talking to my closest friends on a daily basis….I know I’m not gone for ever, but I won’t be back until the beginning of August and right now that feels like a very long time….

But life is all about experiences and adventures and I’m about to go on a big one! Added to which, this time I’m in charge – those of you who know me well will also know that being in charge pleases me….Not that I’m bossy or anything you understand…..But in my experience things just tend to be much better organised when I’m in charge….Now please stop rolling your eyes.

For those of you whose addresses I have I shall endeavour to send postcards, otherwise, check back here for an update on the road!

Moving to the front of the roller coaster

It’s been a few days since I posted anything on here, sorry about that, but my life has been rather busy with work – both the temping and writing. The temping is going very well – I work for half the week in a fairly quiet office, the people are very nice and my boss is a climber so we can swap stories. The writing has moved on a bit, I have managed finally to write the masturbation scene – it was far more difficult than I had anticipated…If I had been writing for myself for fun or for someone as a ‘gift’ (ahem!) then it would have been fairly easy to get into it and enjoy it, but as this piece had to fit into the rest of a novel, to have a definite purpose, to move the narrative along, to make sense with the character and also be available to a wider audience then it ends up being more demanding for me. My supervisor was pleased with it and glad that I had bitten the bullet (so to speak!) and finally got something sexual into the novel instead of constantly hinting at it as I had been doing.

Sometimes I think we live our lives like that – constantly hinting at what we want from others and ourselves, but rarely coming out and saying it in plain language. I suppose if I had to make a New Year’s Resolution that is exactly what it would be – to tell people what I want from them, from myself, from life. To my knowledge and belief we only get one life so we should make it count.

I know from climbing that making a committed move takes courage – what do I mean? Well, sometimes when you’re on your way up a route there is a move you need to make that requires you to just trust and throw yourself into it, you might make it, you might not, but unless you try you won’t find out and you certainly won’t get to the top. I find it hard to make those committed moves – I mentally screw up my courage, tell myself I can do it and then attempt it. I can be heard on the rock face talking away to myself – “You can make that move. Think. It’s easy. If you were only a couple of feet of the ground you could do it. You can do it. Remember Yoga. You can do it. Just move. Do it.” Sadly I don’t always listen to myself.

I try in the rest of my life to do that though, and when it doesn’t involve physical danger it’s a little easier….I’m the sort of person who takes quite some time to come to a decision over major matters, but when I reach that point, then there is no changing my mind. And sometimes I can be impulsive about things and consciously don’t stop to think about the consequences – sometimes it’s good to just do things and not talk yourself out of them.

I guess I’m back talking about fear again…I seem to think about it quite a lot, but I don’t feel it so much these days. If my life was a roller coaster ride I would say I’ve moved from sitting in the safe part in the middle to a seat right at the front but I haven’t the courage to let go yet and put my hands in the air…..

Sex in the City? Sniggering in the Suburbs

Leading life as a single woman again after more than a decade of being involved with someone is not always easy or straightforward. I have a few single female friends and thank goodness we all understand and commiserate and celebrate with each other. At times my life does feel very much like Sex in the City – except it’s a provincial town, even if it is technically a city, and there isn’t any sex going on….But we are all hopeful!

In the last couple of weeks I’ve met quite a few people who are also single – not that any of these events could be described as Dates…at the moment I’m still leaving the dating lark to my friend Jo who seems to have really got into the swing of dating. It seems to be so very common these days to be on ones second or third marriage, or to have recently split up with a partner. I guess that’s more due to me noticing it rather than the figures having leapt in the last six months….

Sometimes it seems that most of the men I and my single female friends have met are damaged in some way – still hung up on their exes, bitter, nervous, untrustworthy, or just plain mad. That said, I’m sure we single women are just the same. I know speaking for myself there are days when I’m as loopy as they come – on those days I do try to avoid heavy machinery and crowds….There’s a lot to be said for introspection, but equally there comes a point when all of us need to stop thinking Me, Me, Me and just get on with life.

Now after the sermon, here’s a quick update on the latest events in my Single Life….and it is more Shagging in the Suburbs (I wish!) than Sex in the City….perhaps Sniggering in the Suburbs would be closer the mark…

Friday night went out with my single friend Eve – she used to work in the music industry so she’s very cool, sassy and even a little scary…We caught up with a couple of her (male) friends, both still working in the music industry. All way too cool for me….I felt entirely out of my depth and rather like an awkward teenager sitting amongst hip 20 somethings – even though we were all the same age….And we drank cocktails – well, they did, I was driving – probably a good thing as if I’d been drinking I would undoubtedly have made a fool of myself, which would have made for great reading here, but I would never have been able to show my face in polite company again….I was particularly impressed when the two chaps began to insult one another in Latin – for some strange reason clever men are a huge turn on….So despite what I said the other day about a crush on Robbie Williams, I’m afraid that would be only for his physical appearance – yes, I’m shallow!

Saturday saw me having my first ever experience of climbing outside on real rock….and what a fabulous time I had. I met up with another climber down at Harrison's Rocksnear Tunbridge Wells and I was shown the ropes! I managed to complete four or five routes, all very simple ones, but nonetheless I felt a great deal of satisfaction and a huge adrenaline rush from hauling myself over the rock faces and getting to the top. I didn’t take any photographs, sadly, maybe next weekend – I’m really hoping I get out to Harrison’s again…and that has nothing whatsoever to do with the spectator sport that is watching very fit young men without shirts move gracefully over the rock…..
Sunday I went to Bowles Rocks to climb again, this time with another partner, but again had a really good time, only managed to complete two routes mainly because it was busy down there and loads of groups were hogging the simple climbs.

So all in all a great weekend, the only downside being that I got bitten by some insect on Saturday at Harrison’s and it’s gone septic – nice….So yesterday (Monday) saw me down at the doctor’s surgery picking up some antibiotics…that’s me off alcohol for a week then….Probably a good thing…..

And it was all entirely safe - which goes to prove my point, that people in general are nice....if you expect them to be kind and helpful, they will be. I know I'm a born optimist and the cynics amongst you will be pitying this poor fool, but I'm happy to remain an optimistic fool.

Roller Skating and More Knickers

A couple of posts all rolled into one….
Busy week for me – kids off school for the Easter break so they needed entertaining and exercising – nine year old boys are rather like Labradors – they must be regularly exercised or they get bad tempered and wreck the house…. So I took them to the local Roller Rink down at the lovely Herne Bay – also known locally as Rupture Cove: partly because the average age of the residents is somewhere around 90 and also because it is Hern(ia) Bay…yes, very poor joke…
Anyway, discovered that I am far, far better than the kids at roller skating – I didn’t fall once and managed after ten minutes or so to leave the safety of the sides of the rink and skate unaided. When I was in my early teens I used to go each Saturday morning to the very same rink and even took part in Speed Skating …and just like riding a bike, you don’t forget how to roller skate….
Later that day I went off on my own (thank goodness the little devils were worn out!) down to the climbing wall…Fine you may think…..And that’s what I thought too…until I got home and caught sight of my rear view in a mirror under bright lights………
I went shopping the other week to buy some nice knickers purposely for climbing in – ones without lacy bits that wouldn’t ‘ride up’ – it’s not terribly pleasant to have to keep tugging at your knickers every time you get down from the wall and your black climbing leggings end up with chalky hand prints all over the backside….Anyway, popped into La Senza as they had a knicker sale on, bought a load of very nice cotton ones that sported slogans….didn’t think any more about it…until I got back from climbing and noticed that my knickers (hot pink) were slightly evident under my leggings…well, actually it was the printed slogan that was evident….
On the front of said knickers was a picture of a donkey….and yes, I bet you’ve guessed by now….on the back, emblazoned across the cheeks of my butt are the words "NICE ASS"

No wonder the guys at the wall were all offering to spot me when I climbed….and offering loads of advice and encouragement to get back up on the wall….