Promises and Friendships

I’m feeling in a very thoughtful mood today, I’ve been considering the nature of Promises. As a child we learn about promises and how important it is not to break them. We’ve all heard or said “You promised!” at some time growing up. I wonder what it is that changes when we’re an adult that stops us from keeping those promises or from telling the promise-breakers what they’ve done.
Sometimes promises are really clear and simple - legally binding documents if you like….you will do A,B and C and in return I will do X,Y and Z….we both promise to do this. When we stop doing X,Y and Z then there are consequences to deal with, legal consequences.
But what about unspoken promises – the ones that often mean so much more and when broken, hurt far more. My friend Jo’s marriage – when that broke up over a year ago they were both hurt – they had promised to be together and to love one another always. That sort of promise is probably another one that like the legal stuff is easy to see and understand. But what about between friends? You promised to be my friend and be there for me….but weren’t….That sort of thing is far, far harder to pin down. We don’t have legal documents or written guidelines about the nature of friendships….nowhere does it say “You hereby agree as friend of …….(fill in as applicable)…. To always be available, provide a shoulder to cry upon, emotional support as needed, et cetera, et cetera (add extras as applicable)” So it’s hard to define the nature of many friendships…
Friendships between women are generally pretty easy – tell each other all the intimate details of your life, go shopping together, never suggest the other one has got fat or old, drink coffee together and by and large the friendship will be fine. Friendships between men I can only comment on from the outside (not being a man and all that….) but it would appear from outside that you tell each other the imagined details of your life – how you would like it to be or think it should be, go drinking together, constantly suggest the other one has got fat, bald, old, incapable of being found attractive by the opposite sex, drink more beer together and by and large the friendship will be fine.
But what about friendships between men and women? There are different opinions on this one….most women will tell you that they love to have male friends – it helps them to gain some insight into the men in their life. A male friend can tell women more truthfully if their bum really does look big, explain the offside rule to them, get them drunk and carry them home, and tell them rude jokes too….
But ask most men about female friends and you may hear a different story….Countless Hollywood films have been made about friends who realise they’re really in love with each other….One of them settles for just being friends but really is desperately in love with the other. Or neither realise they love each other. Perhaps it would be clearer in these Hollywood films, or here even, if the word Love was replaced by Fancy or just Desperately want to have Sex with….
Ultimately I suppose we are all sexual creatures, whether we like it or not – one of our pre-programmed reasons for being here is to reproduce ourselves – so we constantly judge new acquaintances on their suitability for that purpose – in other words, Would You?
But what does that say about our existing male/female friendships?
Hmmm….I’m still thinking about that one…. Maybe I’ll write about that tomorrow…..