Okay, first off, huge apologies for not keeping this up to date....
I am now the proud possessor of a shiny new Masters Degree in Creative Writing...what good it'll do me I don't know, but it was fun to do. I've been writing quite a bit for the magazine...those of you in the know will have noticed my face peering out at you from the pages with greater regularity recently.
I've also completed my first trad lead climb outside in the Wye Valley - the day was both exhilarating and terrifying in equal parts.
I've been out on a couple of dates and discovered that men are far, far more complex than me. Personally I'd settle for a good friend with whom I can go to the cinema, have a nice meal and a good laugh. I've been rather disappointed to discover that the caveman instincts which see women as possessions never seem far below the cultured modern surface....
However, I've never been one to tar all people with the same brush and I tend to take people as I find them...no doubt normality lies out there, somewhere....
Oh dear, this post does sound rather depressing....and as if I'm generally disappointed with all mankind...Which is not at all the case...there are some very bright sparks on the horizon...and the black spots are all behind me, I hope!
Showing posts with label men and women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men and women. Show all posts
Monday, 3 December 2007
Friday, 6 April 2007
Sparks
What is it that causes attraction between men and women (or for that matter between any two people regardless of sex)?
I’ve been considering this because my friend Jo is off to go Speed Dating again soon – she’s become good friends with The Flatterer that she met at the last event and she wants to meet more people, go out more and generally have a good time, and who can blame her?
We’ve had some very in depth conversations about the type of man she would like to spend time with and having also had that conversation with other single female friends I’m really quite interested in what causes that ‘spark’ that draws individuals to each other…
Jo really enjoys The Flatterer’s company, they find each other very attractive, laugh at similar things, have a similar standard of education – in fact all the things are pretty much in place for a Big Relationship. The details of why it’s not going there are entirely theirs and not what I’m really getting at here….
What is it that makes Mr A good looking but ultimately no more than friendship material as opposed to Mr B who is maybe not as good looking but you just can’t keep you hands off him (figuratively speaking!). The whole notion of human relationships is a complex one, there is far more to it than just physical appearance. I would guess that sometimes it’s maybe even down to smell – pheromones. According to scientists pheromones just help individuals to find each other physically attractive and maybe even ensure biological ‘matches’ in a mate. So is it the lack of pheromone compatibility that explains why two people who are both attractive, relatively normal, interested in each other’s lives, all the things that need to be in place for a relationship, but that elusive ‘spark’ just isn’t there?
Or is it just that maybe the timing isn’t right? I have to say I don’t agree with that – it’s easy to say, “I just can’t be with you right now because I’m still hung up on my ex-husband/wife/etc.” I think that if people are honest with themselves – if they’re out looking for a new relationship – then the time is right and it’s just the other person that’s wrong for them…
So what is it that draws us to either the quiet thinker or the loud partygoer? Is it that we look for traits in ourselves that we either like or would like to have? Do opposites attract? Or do birds of a feather flock together? I think it’s perhaps a mix of the two – we like to feel comfortable and relaxed with those to whom we are close and some of that closeness is achieved through common interests and a shared outlook in life…and sometimes even with those things in place we still don’t feel the closeness, the clicking with someone….Why?
And I guess that this also works with platonic relationships too – you can meet someone who, on the face of it, you should get on with really well – the proverbial burning house….But for some reason, despite pleasant conversation and friendly pleasantries, you just don’t really hit it off – you don’t dislike each other, but you just can’t really get that enthusiastic about them being your friend….
Maybe it takes more than just one meeting…Maybe you need to have regular jaunts together to build up some sort of relationship with each other….And for Jo and the Flatterer this has been very much the case – they’ve met up a few times over the course of the last few weeks and they have developed a relationship – not perhaps the one they had both hoped for, but one that might be sustained on a different footing for a longer time…a Friendship.
I’ve been considering this because my friend Jo is off to go Speed Dating again soon – she’s become good friends with The Flatterer that she met at the last event and she wants to meet more people, go out more and generally have a good time, and who can blame her?
We’ve had some very in depth conversations about the type of man she would like to spend time with and having also had that conversation with other single female friends I’m really quite interested in what causes that ‘spark’ that draws individuals to each other…
Jo really enjoys The Flatterer’s company, they find each other very attractive, laugh at similar things, have a similar standard of education – in fact all the things are pretty much in place for a Big Relationship. The details of why it’s not going there are entirely theirs and not what I’m really getting at here….
What is it that makes Mr A good looking but ultimately no more than friendship material as opposed to Mr B who is maybe not as good looking but you just can’t keep you hands off him (figuratively speaking!). The whole notion of human relationships is a complex one, there is far more to it than just physical appearance. I would guess that sometimes it’s maybe even down to smell – pheromones. According to scientists pheromones just help individuals to find each other physically attractive and maybe even ensure biological ‘matches’ in a mate. So is it the lack of pheromone compatibility that explains why two people who are both attractive, relatively normal, interested in each other’s lives, all the things that need to be in place for a relationship, but that elusive ‘spark’ just isn’t there?
Or is it just that maybe the timing isn’t right? I have to say I don’t agree with that – it’s easy to say, “I just can’t be with you right now because I’m still hung up on my ex-husband/wife/etc.” I think that if people are honest with themselves – if they’re out looking for a new relationship – then the time is right and it’s just the other person that’s wrong for them…
So what is it that draws us to either the quiet thinker or the loud partygoer? Is it that we look for traits in ourselves that we either like or would like to have? Do opposites attract? Or do birds of a feather flock together? I think it’s perhaps a mix of the two – we like to feel comfortable and relaxed with those to whom we are close and some of that closeness is achieved through common interests and a shared outlook in life…and sometimes even with those things in place we still don’t feel the closeness, the clicking with someone….Why?
And I guess that this also works with platonic relationships too – you can meet someone who, on the face of it, you should get on with really well – the proverbial burning house….But for some reason, despite pleasant conversation and friendly pleasantries, you just don’t really hit it off – you don’t dislike each other, but you just can’t really get that enthusiastic about them being your friend….
Maybe it takes more than just one meeting…Maybe you need to have regular jaunts together to build up some sort of relationship with each other….And for Jo and the Flatterer this has been very much the case – they’ve met up a few times over the course of the last few weeks and they have developed a relationship – not perhaps the one they had both hoped for, but one that might be sustained on a different footing for a longer time…a Friendship.
Sunday, 25 March 2007
Having too many glasses of wine and being badly behaved.
The girls’ night in went very well indeed. I’m afraid I can’t report back on what was said as I don’t remember, apart from a very off colour remark from Jules concerning male bodily fluids trickling down legs…three days later apparently… to which I replied, “anally retentive?” Roo nearly choked on her wine and Jules missed what I said and is still continuing to ask me why Roo was choking and I was sniggering…..
The pub crawl the following night ended up being one pub – a live band was playing, The Angry Pirates , and very good they were too. The pub was also packed out with a gang of men in suits – all Down From London to play golf – they looked like Essex Wideboys and it turned out that some of them were….I ended up being very rude to one of them – he sold Double Glazing and was rather taken with me – I told him (bearing in mind I’d had 6 or 7 glasses of wine and knew no fear by that point) that he was lucky I even looked at him, let alone spoke to him….I’m not usually like that (ever) but he was incredibly cocky and asked for it…He then gave me his room number – I laughed and told him he didn’t stand a hope in hell’s chance. Jo decided at that point to take me home, so while she waited outside for a taxi to turn up I decided to chat to a rather nice looking young chap who had a lovely Celtic design tattoo on his arm. The tattoo went up his arm, over his shoulder and onto his collar bone, he also had a perfect six-pack stomach and surprisingly the pub has a ‘no shirts off’ rule too….I’m not going into too much detail about the night mainly because I don’t remember most of the conversations I had……I know I had a lovely long chat with a really funny guy who went by the nickname of Shrek - yes, he did look a bit like him. Very entertaining and a thoroughly nice person too, he's promised to look after Jo when she moves into town. I do also remember talking to a nice girl called Zoe who had a fab handbag and wore Max Mara perfume – I know it was that type because I asked her. I also told her if she was a man I’d fancy her because she smelled so nice and had such good taste in bags….She reminded me that if she was a man she wouldn’t have the bag and wouldn’t be wearing ladies perfume….good point…. I do remember getting back to Jo’s house and spending a good 30 minutes, at least, being ill….and blaming Jo for all of it, something along the lines of, “I told you not to let me have more than four glasses. I want to die. I feel so ill. Why did you let me drink so much wine?” et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum (and it was too). When I went to bed I passed out and then the following morning still felt drunk. Early night last night – especially as the clocks went forward and we all lost an hour in bed. Tonight I’m off to see my friend Kate’s band play and this time I’ll be driving, so no alcohol for me – and my liver is no doubt very pleased about that.
Sunday, 18 March 2007
The Battle of the Sexes
Why is it called the
I believe that on the whole men and women view each other as equals; different, but equal. And yes, we still continue to disagree on many points like sport versus shopping…although not all men are permanently fixated on sport and not all women love shopping….
But aside from any notions of equality, because that’s not what I really want to talk about anyway, is the whole idea of relationships being a battleground.
At primary school girls have long hair in plaits (well I did) and boys would chase the girls around the playground either playing Kiss Chase or just to pull on those plaits. In the classroom it was well known that if a boy liked you he would pull your plaits and deliberately attempt to trip you up if you went past him. In general if a boy was unpleasant to you it meant only one thing – he looooved you, as only an eight year old can…
Do things really change that much when we grow up and become adults?
Why do some men (and women for that matter) insist upon seeing or phoning someone and then deliberately being rude or apparently unkind to them? Why bother?
The reason I mention all of this is because another of my single friends, Tanya, has been having just this problem. A man she met continues to call her, see her and generally behave as if they are having a relationship, yet each time he speaks to her he manages to upset her with his unthinking rudeness. Well, at least, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I believe it is unthinking – I could be wrong – he could just be plain rude…
But he continues to make all of the running….Why?
It just seems as if he’s back in the playground – he runs after her and then (figuratively) pulls her pigtails, runs away and then waits until he can have another go in a day or so….
For her part my advice should be, ignore his calls: if he can only be rude why bother with him? But perhaps his brusque manner is part of his attraction for her – strange woman….
Notice I say, my advice should be….that’s because of late I have made the decision to stop handing out unwanted advice….I’m never much prepared to accept it, so why should others take it from me? I don’t live their lives, they don’t live mine…it’s so very easy to just instruct from the sidelines, but unless you’re in there experiencing it….And ultimately we’re all different….
Yes, I know that’s a huge cop-out….But until I can stand back and say, look at me, my life is perfect, I’ve cracked it, then I don’t know that my advice is worth much…
So back to the Battle of the Sexes….why can’t we all be more open and upfront about how we feel about things?
Well I know the answer already – we can’t be open and upfront because we don’t want to hurt others’ feelings…If we come out and say – I’m madly in love with you – only to hear – Oh, I’m not, I thought we were just friends…Or vice versa…someone is going to get hurt….And even if we may one day fall for someone, it’s hard to tell them, Well, actually I might fall for you one day, but I’m just not really sure right now….It’s still a bit of a brush off, isn’t it?
So we continue to pussy foot around the issues, we carry on running up, pulling pig-tails, acting all hurt, not replying to telephone calls, all the rest of it….
All in the name of ….What?
Wednesday, 14 March 2007
Promises and Friendships
I’m feeling in a very thoughtful mood today, I’ve been considering the nature of Promises. As a child we learn about promises and how important it is not to break them. We’ve all heard or said “You promised!” at some time growing up. I wonder what it is that changes when we’re an adult that stops us from keeping those promises or from telling the promise-breakers what they’ve done.
Sometimes promises are really clear and simple - legally binding documents if you like….you will do A,B and C and in return I will do X,Y and Z….we both promise to do this. When we stop doing X,Y and Z then there are consequences to deal with, legal consequences.
But what about unspoken promises – the ones that often mean so much more and when broken, hurt far more. My friend Jo’s marriage – when that broke up over a year ago they were both hurt – they had promised to be together and to love one another always. That sort of promise is probably another one that like the legal stuff is easy to see and understand. But what about between friends? You promised to be my friend and be there for me….but weren’t….That sort of thing is far, far harder to pin down. We don’t have legal documents or written guidelines about the nature of friendships….nowhere does it say “You hereby agree as friend of …….(fill in as applicable)…. To always be available, provide a shoulder to cry upon, emotional support as needed, et cetera, et cetera (add extras as applicable)” So it’s hard to define the nature of many friendships…
Friendships between women are generally pretty easy – tell each other all the intimate details of your life, go shopping together, never suggest the other one has got fat or old, drink coffee together and by and large the friendship will be fine. Friendships between men I can only comment on from the outside (not being a man and all that….) but it would appear from outside that you tell each other the imagined details of your life – how you would like it to be or think it should be, go drinking together, constantly suggest the other one has got fat, bald, old, incapable of being found attractive by the opposite sex, drink more beer together and by and large the friendship will be fine.
But what about friendships between men and women? There are different opinions on this one….most women will tell you that they love to have male friends – it helps them to gain some insight into the men in their life. A male friend can tell women more truthfully if their bum really does look big, explain the offside rule to them, get them drunk and carry them home, and tell them rude jokes too….
But ask most men about female friends and you may hear a different story….Countless Hollywood films have been made about friends who realise they’re really in love with each other….One of them settles for just being friends but really is desperately in love with the other. Or neither realise they love each other. Perhaps it would be clearer in these Hollywood films, or here even, if the word Love was replaced by Fancy or just Desperately want to have Sex with….
Ultimately I suppose we are all sexual creatures, whether we like it or not – one of our pre-programmed reasons for being here is to reproduce ourselves – so we constantly judge new acquaintances on their suitability for that purpose – in other words, Would You?
But what does that say about our existing male/female friendships?
Hmmm….I’m still thinking about that one…. Maybe I’ll write about that tomorrow…..
Sometimes promises are really clear and simple - legally binding documents if you like….you will do A,B and C and in return I will do X,Y and Z….we both promise to do this. When we stop doing X,Y and Z then there are consequences to deal with, legal consequences.
But what about unspoken promises – the ones that often mean so much more and when broken, hurt far more. My friend Jo’s marriage – when that broke up over a year ago they were both hurt – they had promised to be together and to love one another always. That sort of promise is probably another one that like the legal stuff is easy to see and understand. But what about between friends? You promised to be my friend and be there for me….but weren’t….That sort of thing is far, far harder to pin down. We don’t have legal documents or written guidelines about the nature of friendships….nowhere does it say “You hereby agree as friend of …….(fill in as applicable)…. To always be available, provide a shoulder to cry upon, emotional support as needed, et cetera, et cetera (add extras as applicable)” So it’s hard to define the nature of many friendships…
Friendships between women are generally pretty easy – tell each other all the intimate details of your life, go shopping together, never suggest the other one has got fat or old, drink coffee together and by and large the friendship will be fine. Friendships between men I can only comment on from the outside (not being a man and all that….) but it would appear from outside that you tell each other the imagined details of your life – how you would like it to be or think it should be, go drinking together, constantly suggest the other one has got fat, bald, old, incapable of being found attractive by the opposite sex, drink more beer together and by and large the friendship will be fine.
But what about friendships between men and women? There are different opinions on this one….most women will tell you that they love to have male friends – it helps them to gain some insight into the men in their life. A male friend can tell women more truthfully if their bum really does look big, explain the offside rule to them, get them drunk and carry them home, and tell them rude jokes too….
But ask most men about female friends and you may hear a different story….Countless Hollywood films have been made about friends who realise they’re really in love with each other….One of them settles for just being friends but really is desperately in love with the other. Or neither realise they love each other. Perhaps it would be clearer in these Hollywood films, or here even, if the word Love was replaced by Fancy or just Desperately want to have Sex with….
Ultimately I suppose we are all sexual creatures, whether we like it or not – one of our pre-programmed reasons for being here is to reproduce ourselves – so we constantly judge new acquaintances on their suitability for that purpose – in other words, Would You?
But what does that say about our existing male/female friendships?
Hmmm….I’m still thinking about that one…. Maybe I’ll write about that tomorrow…..
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