Passwords, statistics and lies we tell ourselves

I have just spent a frustrating morning trying to recover my password for this blog. I was almost tempted to just jack it in and start a new one...telling some of you where I'd gone, of course. Anyway, suffice to say all is now well, I sorted it out and I'm back.

The last few days have seen the reappearance of Tanya into my life...some of you may remember my hapless friend who seems constantly dogged by men and relationship problems. She sorted out the miserable man who wanted to dominate her life - they ended up in a make or break situation...it broke. So now she's onto pastures new, but thing don't seem to have improved any. I'm very fortunate to have a friend like Tanya as she always provides me with something to write about...my very own Bunbury you could say....

Her experiences have got me thinking about the nature of truth.

Yes, very deep this one.

Why do we all tell ourselves lies? Or maybe it's just that we tell those around us the lies and are surprised when they believe them. Case in point - Tanya's most recent escapade - she has had a long running intense friendship, yes, they've ended up as bed partners on more than one occasion, but both refuse to accept that they're anything more than friends.
He continues to see a long list of other women, some of whom know about the others, some who do not. She accepted his 'philandering' as she kept stating she didn't want anything more than just a casual friendship.
All went along reasonably happily until she met someone else who, potentially, she could have a relationship with....He is now unhappy...yet says he's very pleased for her, admits he's a little jealous, but still happy.

Who is lying to themselves here?

My experience of this type of romantic wrangling is non-existent. All I can draw on for similar situations is the usual stuff seen in romantic comedy films like When Harry Met Sally. So my advice to her, and I know she'll be reading this....move on. The only type of wrangling anyone should undertake is that of horse or cattle wrangling. Most people are simple and straightforward, and if there's a man on the horizon who appears to be just that....spend your emotional energy on him, he's a far better bet for happiness in the long run.

Moving On

It's amazing how resilient the human spirit is...how quickly we get over things...how quickly we get over people, move on and alter our lives. Ten years ago my grandmother died as did a good friend who was only in his twenties. I wouldn't say that now it's as if they never existed, but I suppose the hole left by people simply closes up or gets filled with other stuff. The only real constant in our lives is us. Sometimes it can feel - certainly to me - that my life is like a bus journey and friends and relatives are with me for part of the journey but they either get on after me or before me...and some stay longer than others. Of course there are the figures in your life that you believe will be there for the whole journey but they're not...they leave before you'd like them to or maybe you get off their bus first.

Strange analogy I know, but it seems to make sense to me especially while my life is in such flux.

One never knows quite what is going to be around the corner, or who for that matter. And it's the who that now many of my friends are concerned about....I'm preparing myself for a flurry of invitations in the coming months...many of my married friends have taken it upon themselves to find what they believe I need - a single fit man in his thirties. It's great to know that my friends care about my well-being and so on, but more than a little disconcerting to know they're considering fixing me up....Perhaps my single status is disapproved of or maybe even feared - is it catching maybe?

A Thoughtful One

I'm into the thick of writing these days - the final throes of the novella. So all that tight plotting and sentence construction does rather tend to make me fall back on myself. I can be a very introspective person at the best of times - I've mentioned here before that I like nothing more than to examine conversations I've had with a microscope - or Fine Tooth Comb as my mother would say. Considering how a character might act or react leads me to consider my actions and the actions of those around me too.

I do wonder about the whole notion of Nature versus Nurture - you know the idea that we are who we are because of our inherited genes, or because of what we may have experienced. I'm inclined to think that our genes provide a starting block and nurture - our experiences give us the shades and tones of our characters. As a child I believed quite firmly that before being born we each were given a film show of potential lives and then told to chose one - none being necessarily better than another, but each with hardship and happiness and more importantly the opportunities for learning. I believed that everyone was here for a purpose - to achieve something, to learn something or teach something, and once that purpose was met then our lives would be over - we would return to the celestial waiting room and go through the entire process again. I think a lot of my ideas came from reading things like Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha when I was at school. So I suppose that proves my theory too - I am a product of my own reading and education, but only because I already had certain leanings because of my inherited nature from my parents - a great deal of books that I read as a child came from my dad's huge collection. I was always encouraged to read anything I could lay my hands on and subsequently by the time I left school I had worked my way through popular fiction in the shape of Stephen King, Jackie Collins and Danielle Steel (shared those ones with my mum) and I'd also dipped into some great literature like Hesse, Nin, H.G.Wells, John Wyndham,Orwell,Hardy and loads more. Reading and writing have always been fundamental facets of my personality.

Strangely enough this post was going to be about the effect different people have upon ones life...hmm...I've ended up writing about books. That says a great deal about me.

I've always been of the opinion that I'm a very straightforward person - I was once described as an Open Book - easy to read and with no secrets. But I was told the other day that I am a difficult and demanding character - not in a bad way, but nonetheless, not straightforward at all. I suppose we all become more difficult and demanding as life's experiences shape us and leave us a little more wary and afraid of being hurt again. I'm often saying that I wish people would be honest with me. Why can't men be honest with women? Or women honest with men? Just a few exchanges with my friends opens a whole new can of worms about lack of communication and honesty in their personal relationships.

Honesty is a wonderful thing but sometimes we don't want to hear the truth.

This post is terribly obtuse I'm afraid...unformed ideas appearing on the screen springing from lots of deep thoughts and the usual chaos of my life...and as usual I'm unwilling to come clean about quite what is bugging me...partly to protect the innocent (who would that be then?) and partly to preserve some weak façade of privacy which is hypocritical to say the least - I keep a blog for god's sake! Suffice to say things aren't straightforward, quite the reverse.

Not the usual playful post. Deeply thoughtful. Perhaps when it all comes out in the wash I'll be able to unravel it.

The May Ball

Last night saw Jo and myself going off to the rugby club May Ball both dressed in slinky dresses, far too much makeup and industrial strength hair products. We had a great time, not least of all because wine was involved and after a lovely meal we went outside to the Entertainments….

After very little encouragement from one of the rugby coaches I had a go on the Bucking Bronco machine….bit hard to get up on the back of one of those things after a few glasses of wine, so the coach, in best coaching supportiveness grabbed hold of my rear end and pushed me up onto the mechanical beast….Rugby is after all a contact sport so I was in expert hands….Next we tackled the dodgems – great fun apart from the whiplash injuries sustained. Back onto the Bucking Bronco – unfortunately the wine had got the better of me by this time and I found it impossible to hold on either with my knees or my hands for longer than approximately 20 seconds – possibly less. After that the only thing that remained was to have a go at the reverse Bungee – basically you are attached to a rope, you run as far as you can and the elastic rope pulls you back rather rapidly. Again I proved to be useless at this – I believe a good deal of body weight is required along with strength and as I was running against a 17 stone 6’4” rugby player I really didn’t stand a chance…but at least he managed to keep his trousers in one piece this year – a couple of years back he ripped his trousers from front to back along the crotch – it was a hired suit (DJ or tux to those of you in the US) and his wife had to stitch it up before they could return it…This year fortunately he owns his own and his wonderful lady had already reinforced the seams!

Despite consuming a fair amount of wine I still remained sober enough to watch people which I love to do…. I am fascinated to observe how couples relate to one another in public…I would hazard a guess that because I have a recently failed major relationship behind me I have a greater interest than most…. I look to see if there are clues to success or else visible cracks in what other people have…. Watching friends and acquaintances I constantly wonder what makes some couples get together and stay together. Very often physical attractiveness doesn’t seem to feature – or at least, it doesn’t any longer, maybe it once did in the initial stages of attraction, but not now. And that seems a little odd at times – particularly if one partner appears to still be making a huge effort with their appearance and yet their other half just doesn’t bother. Or else they spend most of the evening with other people, not talking or even acknowledging each other…I wonder to myself if this is what a relationship looks like in its death-throes, or if this is just how this particular couple operate socially and behind closed doors the other is the most important person in the world. Because I think that’s what all of us want ultimately – to be the most important person in the world to someone. Some men and women would say that their children are the most important people in their lives but I disagree. I adore my two sons but I know that in ten or fifteen years time they will have their own very independent lives – in fact that will probably happen in less than ten years and I’ll be happy about that – that is what I want for my children – independence. My children won’t be there for me each night when I get home from work ready to listen to the petty details of my day, give me a hug and a glass of wine. They’ll maybe listen a bit and then want (I hope) to tell me of their latest achievements, high points, worries, and perhaps ask me for money or a lift somewhere! Children are only with us for a few short years and then they’re adults, off to conquer the world on their own. I believe that all of us want to have someone beside us so we conquer the world together, as equals. That’s not your child.

Funny, I seem to have wandered off topic again – I started wanting to talk about couple dynamics and have ended up talking about children, but I suppose it’s all connected…..

Truth and Lies

A couple of days ago I posted about what women say and what they mean regarding descriptions of men. I’ve been thinking further about what we say and what we mean and why we do that.

Sometimes we say what we believe to be the kindest thing to prevent someone from having their feelings hurt – “Yes, I still love you” or, “No, you haven’t put on weight” or, “That was great, I really enjoyed myself” Very few of us actually want to hurt someone’s feelings willingly, so we lie, either by omission, avoidance or sometimes just a bare faced untruth. Would the world be a better place if we all told the truth? Even if we could couch the truth in niceness and gentle tones, would we rather hear – “You’ve put on weight, but I still love you.” Or how about, “I just don’t fancy you, but it would be nice to be friends because you make me laugh, but I really don’t want to kiss you anymore”

What about when you have a relationship that you think is one thing – friendship perhaps, yet your partner believes it to be more, or less….And then when the truth emerges, as it always does because none of us can keep our mouths shut, someone gets hurt….

Is it better to just stop contacting each other? Just go ‘cold turkey’ and walk away until some day in the future when you bump into each other and can be polite. Listening to the stories of my single girl friends sometimes it would appear that just cutting all ties is often the kindest way forward – and they were talking about being on the receiving end not doing the cutting themselves. It’s a common topic of conversation – Why didn’t he call? Whole books are published on the subject – one that springs to mind (even though I’ve not read it, but seen the reviews) is “He’s Just Not That into You!” Sometimes it would seem that rather than being lied to we are complicent in this and we lie to ourselves. I’d guess that men as much as women tell themselves that the Object of their desire really does like them – they’re being a little offhand because they’re tired/stressed/hungry but deep down they like you, a lot. So when the moment comes that the reality of the situation is uncovered, one and possibly both partners are left hurt.

I’m not sure what the answer is here – whether we should all be more up front and just say what we feel but then running the risk that the Object of our desire doesn’t feel the same way and the result is hurt feelings and looking foolish. Or alternatively we keep our feelings to ourselves, drop little hints and generally play hard-to-get.

One of the inherent problems with telling all – aside from the obvious rejection problem – is that some people, women certainly, think through all relationships to the logical conclusion…Even if you’ve only had one date…..The Natasha Beddingfield song about Wanting His Babies is very, very true….not that we do want every man’s babies, but rather that we’ve considered it and if we don’t have a problem with the idea of it then he’s safe to date….

Writing my thoughts down

Unusual post this one – I’ve just written it and it’s really what would appear in my writing notebook – a discussion with myself – I have them regularly. This time I decided to put it down here…most of the time I can’t actually think properly, or articulate properly any thoughts I have unless I write them down…or at the very least talk about them, but talking isn’t as satisfying as writing….as much as I love talking to people, I can’t really think things through properly unless I write them down… So here’s what I’m thinking about this morning….


Sometimes sitting here alone while I write I feel like I’m going around in circles – never talking about anything new, the same old problems, desires, wants and needs just echoing around the empty space inside my head. Particularly when I’m working on the novel – which coincidently has to be finished (or pretty damn near it) by September – I do tend to go into an almost “method acting” mind set… The novel is a stalker story, a thriller if you like, but also a love story…The stalker is a woman – she falls in love with a man she sees each day on the tube on the way to work and the story is told entirely from her point of view. That feeling of desperate infatuation, an extreme crush, on someone you will never really know, someone you can never have, but you watch them each day, you hope each day for some small scrap of information, something that lets you into their life a little more….Most of us experience this at some time in our lives and generally it’s when you’re young – a crush on a popstar or actor, or even a teacher, maybe a fellow pupil….It’s something that I believe we tend to leave behind when we grow up and start experiencing “real” relationships…Or do we leave it behind? I’m beginning to think that we simply shove those obsessive feelings into a metaphorical box in the back of our mental wardrobes…And perhaps we get them out again when something major happens in our lives: perhaps what used to be called A Mid-Life Crisis….Certainly from my own experience I’ve seen and heard about men and women – but mostly men, actually – who become obsessed with a woman they can’t have or don’t even know…I wonder sometimes if it’s a safe way of experiencing the excitement of a new relationship without screwing up the existing relationship they already have with their wives…

And I guess that’s the thing – we all want a little excitement, something new and adventurous in our lives at some time or another…And if we begin to think that there is someone out there who will understand us better, find us more attractive, be better in bed, make us feel special, more loved, more desirable….well, sometimes that may seem worth turning your life upside down for….

In my novel this isn’t the case – her life is empty and he brings some colour into it, so she doesn’t have to give everything, or anything up for him. She's a far more dangerous proposition than someone wanting a fling which is why essentially I’m writing a thriller, albeit a slow-burning one dressed up as a love story…and yes, I do know how it’s going to end – that came first – there would be no novel if I hadn’t had the idea of the ending.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking, how do you let someone know that you’re infatuated with them? The reason I’m asking this is because in my novel she is unhinged and has a very skewed view of the world so it’s good to think how people achieve their ends with normal means – I can then consider how she would go about such matters….
And on this one I’m stumped – it’s such a long time since I had a crush on someone and to be honest I did nothing about it – well Robbie Williams was never going to ask me out, was he? And if I had a crush on someone today then I’d maybe do something practical about it – like talk to them, flirt with them and become friends until they could no longer resist my charms! But she’s not in this position – she’s still stuck emotionally as a teenager despite holding down a responsible job and generally appearing to be an adult.
If she ignores him and tries to play hard to get he might just forget her, move on and she’ll be lost, utterly crushed. So how should she get him to notice her? Or should she just wait until fate takes a hand and events take an unexpected turn…

Sparks

What is it that causes attraction between men and women (or for that matter between any two people regardless of sex)?
I’ve been considering this because my friend Jo is off to go Speed Dating again soon – she’s become good friends with The Flatterer that she met at the last event and she wants to meet more people, go out more and generally have a good time, and who can blame her?
We’ve had some very in depth conversations about the type of man she would like to spend time with and having also had that conversation with other single female friends I’m really quite interested in what causes that ‘spark’ that draws individuals to each other…
Jo really enjoys The Flatterer’s company, they find each other very attractive, laugh at similar things, have a similar standard of education – in fact all the things are pretty much in place for a Big Relationship. The details of why it’s not going there are entirely theirs and not what I’m really getting at here….

What is it that makes Mr A good looking but ultimately no more than friendship material as opposed to Mr B who is maybe not as good looking but you just can’t keep you hands off him (figuratively speaking!). The whole notion of human relationships is a complex one, there is far more to it than just physical appearance. I would guess that sometimes it’s maybe even down to smell – pheromones. According to scientists pheromones just help individuals to find each other physically attractive and maybe even ensure biological ‘matches’ in a mate. So is it the lack of pheromone compatibility that explains why two people who are both attractive, relatively normal, interested in each other’s lives, all the things that need to be in place for a relationship, but that elusive ‘spark’ just isn’t there?
Or is it just that maybe the timing isn’t right? I have to say I don’t agree with that – it’s easy to say, “I just can’t be with you right now because I’m still hung up on my ex-husband/wife/etc.” I think that if people are honest with themselves – if they’re out looking for a new relationship – then the time is right and it’s just the other person that’s wrong for them…
So what is it that draws us to either the quiet thinker or the loud partygoer? Is it that we look for traits in ourselves that we either like or would like to have? Do opposites attract? Or do birds of a feather flock together? I think it’s perhaps a mix of the two – we like to feel comfortable and relaxed with those to whom we are close and some of that closeness is achieved through common interests and a shared outlook in life…and sometimes even with those things in place we still don’t feel the closeness, the clicking with someone….Why?
And I guess that this also works with platonic relationships too – you can meet someone who, on the face of it, you should get on with really well – the proverbial burning house….But for some reason, despite pleasant conversation and friendly pleasantries, you just don’t really hit it off – you don’t dislike each other, but you just can’t really get that enthusiastic about them being your friend….
Maybe it takes more than just one meeting…Maybe you need to have regular jaunts together to build up some sort of relationship with each other….And for Jo and the Flatterer this has been very much the case – they’ve met up a few times over the course of the last few weeks and they have developed a relationship – not perhaps the one they had both hoped for, but one that might be sustained on a different footing for a longer time…a Friendship.

Girls nights...

A while back I was considering the nature of friendship – both those in real life and those online. Human relationships do fascinate, confound and infuriate me all in equal measures. Tonight I’m off to have supper with my two oldest friends – the three of us were at school together and have known each other since we were all eleven – a considerable length of time, in fact apart from my family, no one has known me as long as this.

We have a huge amount of shared history with each other, obviously the school stuff, but also because over the years we have kept in touch – sometimes closely so we know what has happened in our lives. Yes it is all a bit like a Chicklit book… But there is definitely something to be said for having friends to whom you need not explain certain facts – they already know. The whole back story is there and we can remind each other of the daft things we did years ago – if only to attempt to ensure we don’t repeat our mistakes….

It’s also interesting that because of this long history with each other I wonder if we still see ourselves as schoolgirls? Is that the person they see in me? Or do they take on board how I’ve changed over the years? I’m always reminded by Jules that I had an intense hatred of the outdoors at school (based upon a couple of Duke of Edinburgh camping expeditions), yet Roo remembers the many holidays we shared throughout our teens where we spent most of the time outside and often hiking up hills and mountains or even one memorable jaunt on a boat. I’m sure we do all see and accept how we’ve changed over the years but equally it’s reassuring to be reminded of who we once were.

And these female friendships, unlike those with men are entirely secure - we don’t have the added tensions of sex and flirting. Although, that said we do talk about sex, sometimes in detail (don’t worry chaps – it is always very complementary). That’s what women do when they get together – drink large amounts of wine, discuss shoes, sex, who has got too fat/skinny, who is having an affair (they’re thin on the ground these days – people are either really happy or else scared and behaving themselves), and any of the latest gossip or even old gossip which we missed out on years ago….

Watch this space, I may report back on exactly what was said…..all names changed to protect the innocent of course….which is why I’ve used Jules and Roo’s real names….no innocence there….

Oh, and I’m off on a pub crawl on Friday night, just myself and Jo this time – busy social life at the moment – as ever the social life is like the bus service or policemen – never around when you want them and then three come along at once….Sunday night out too possibly – a friend plays in a band and we’ve been invited to the gig – we could be groupies! Only drawback is that the band member we know is called Kate…..ah well….

The Battle of the Sexes

Why is it called the Battle of the Sexes? I’m not so sure that we are battling or fighting at all. What would men and women be fighting for? Supremacy? In my opinion that’s entirely the wrong way to go about things; it’s not about who’s best or in charge or even on top….and that’s not what I mean either……

I believe that on the whole men and women view each other as equals; different, but equal. And yes, we still continue to disagree on many points like sport versus shopping…although not all men are permanently fixated on sport and not all women love shopping….

But aside from any notions of equality, because that’s not what I really want to talk about anyway, is the whole idea of relationships being a battleground.

At primary school girls have long hair in plaits (well I did) and boys would chase the girls around the playground either playing Kiss Chase or just to pull on those plaits. In the classroom it was well known that if a boy liked you he would pull your plaits and deliberately attempt to trip you up if you went past him. In general if a boy was unpleasant to you it meant only one thing – he looooved you, as only an eight year old can…

Do things really change that much when we grow up and become adults?

Why do some men (and women for that matter) insist upon seeing or phoning someone and then deliberately being rude or apparently unkind to them? Why bother?

The reason I mention all of this is because another of my single friends, Tanya, has been having just this problem. A man she met continues to call her, see her and generally behave as if they are having a relationship, yet each time he speaks to her he manages to upset her with his unthinking rudeness. Well, at least, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I believe it is unthinking – I could be wrong – he could just be plain rude…

But he continues to make all of the running….Why?

It just seems as if he’s back in the playground – he runs after her and then (figuratively) pulls her pigtails, runs away and then waits until he can have another go in a day or so….

For her part my advice should be, ignore his calls: if he can only be rude why bother with him? But perhaps his brusque manner is part of his attraction for her – strange woman….

Notice I say, my advice should be….that’s because of late I have made the decision to stop handing out unwanted advice….I’m never much prepared to accept it, so why should others take it from me? I don’t live their lives, they don’t live mine…it’s so very easy to just instruct from the sidelines, but unless you’re in there experiencing it….And ultimately we’re all different….

Yes, I know that’s a huge cop-out….But until I can stand back and say, look at me, my life is perfect, I’ve cracked it, then I don’t know that my advice is worth much…

So back to the Battle of the Sexes….why can’t we all be more open and upfront about how we feel about things?

Well I know the answer already – we can’t be open and upfront because we don’t want to hurt others’ feelings…If we come out and say – I’m madly in love with you – only to hear – Oh, I’m not, I thought we were just friends…Or vice versa…someone is going to get hurt….And even if we may one day fall for someone, it’s hard to tell them, Well, actually I might fall for you one day, but I’m just not really sure right now….It’s still a bit of a brush off, isn’t it?

So we continue to pussy foot around the issues, we carry on running up, pulling pig-tails, acting all hurt, not replying to telephone calls, all the rest of it….

All in the name of ….What?

So what's Tanya going to do? Ignore him? Hope he starts being nice to her? Or listen to her female friends who all say in unison...."Huh, Men!"