Moving On

It's amazing how resilient the human spirit is...how quickly we get over things...how quickly we get over people, move on and alter our lives. Ten years ago my grandmother died as did a good friend who was only in his twenties. I wouldn't say that now it's as if they never existed, but I suppose the hole left by people simply closes up or gets filled with other stuff. The only real constant in our lives is us. Sometimes it can feel - certainly to me - that my life is like a bus journey and friends and relatives are with me for part of the journey but they either get on after me or before me...and some stay longer than others. Of course there are the figures in your life that you believe will be there for the whole journey but they're not...they leave before you'd like them to or maybe you get off their bus first.

Strange analogy I know, but it seems to make sense to me especially while my life is in such flux.

One never knows quite what is going to be around the corner, or who for that matter. And it's the who that now many of my friends are concerned about....I'm preparing myself for a flurry of invitations in the coming months...many of my married friends have taken it upon themselves to find what they believe I need - a single fit man in his thirties. It's great to know that my friends care about my well-being and so on, but more than a little disconcerting to know they're considering fixing me up....Perhaps my single status is disapproved of or maybe even feared - is it catching maybe?

Was I stood up?

I've been back a couple of weeks now and the USA seems like a world away. After Vegas we headed down to Los Angeles, and after a few days there flew to Detroit, stayed with relatives and then back to the UK. Sorry the end of the tale is a bit brief, but that's so often the way...

Anyway, life here is resuming it's previous shape and form - article writing for the magazine, novel writing, some temping at some point, plenty of climbing and a little bit of catching up with friends.

The catching up with friends can sometimes be fraught with problems and it's not always the old friends who are difficult to catch up with...Why does being let down by friends who have suggested getting together end up feeling like you've been stood up! And it just ends up with me thinking that they are just plain rude. I don't like thinking that my friends are rude - I don't have rude friends. But in this technological world with almost universal mobile phone ownership, why can't someone just call and say "I'm sorry I didn't meet up with you...but I had a better offer"

Or maybe it's just me that puts too much emphasis on casual remarks...but I'm inclined to think that my gut instincts are right...I was stood up! By a friend! They had better have a good excuse and promise to make it up to me. And if you're reading this, you know who you are....

Going Away....

Later this week I’m off to the States with my parents and the kids – an epic road trip starting in Billings, Montana and ending up in Los Angeles, with a quick stop off with family in Detroit before returning to the UK. I’m hoping that while I’m away I’ll be able to post the occasional blog entry and certainly keep up with friends via email and as I’ve even been able to sort out a cell phone for the US I may be able to phone some of you too…

I have sort of mixed feelings about the trip: on the one hand it’s going to be great to get away, visit a beautiful part of the world, go climbing in some amazing places, spend time with the kids, with my parents, go horse riding, white water rafting and generally be on the go the entire time…But on the other hand I’m going to be spending the entire time with my parents, the kids, all up close and personal and I won’t have the usual outlet of seeing and talking to my closest friends on a daily basis….I know I’m not gone for ever, but I won’t be back until the beginning of August and right now that feels like a very long time….

But life is all about experiences and adventures and I’m about to go on a big one! Added to which, this time I’m in charge – those of you who know me well will also know that being in charge pleases me….Not that I’m bossy or anything you understand…..But in my experience things just tend to be much better organised when I’m in charge….Now please stop rolling your eyes.

For those of you whose addresses I have I shall endeavour to send postcards, otherwise, check back here for an update on the road!

Fighting Fear and Being Brave

The deadlines are rapidly approaching and so for that reason I’m writing my blog….procrastinating is one of my very best talents….

Here I am listening to Snow Patrol – I went to the climbing wall the other day, I was the only one there and they had ‘Run’ playing – I knew I knew the song, I was pretty sure it was Snow Patrol, but hadn’t heard it in ages, couldn’t get it out of my mind…so here I am playing all their albums now while I fritter away the day (again).
I have a couple of articles that need to be written, some redrafting that *has* to be done before the end of the month, an academic essay that needs writing, again before the end of the month, more needs to be done to the novel – it won’t get written on its own. But yet, you find me here writing my blog, planning my weekend (all very exciting stuff!), wasting time on my favourite websites and generally procrastinating….


I’m off out this evening with a female friend – we’re going out for Cocktails and are not planning a late night – but as she has been “asked to leave” at least one wine bar in town and I’m just as outspoken…and it’s the first time we’ve gone out on the town together…It could end up being a late and very wild one….Tomorrow I’m going down to climb some real rock near Tunbridge Wells – I’m meeting up with a fellow climber who I have chatted to (briefly) but never met….I’m adventurous I suppose you could say….Life is about experiences. Some of you may remember that I wrote about Fear some time ago – well both climbing and meeting new people are conquering fears for me – and I can honestly say that once you start taking control of things that make you feel a little scared you do become more brave (or should that be silly? Foolish? Foolhardy?). Someone recently used the word Gumption to describe me…I have Gumption – I’m sure that used to be a bathroom cleaner in the 80s….
Oh, and for those of you that may be concerned about my safety tomorrow, what with meeting someone I’ve never met before – I always make sure I tell someone where I’ll be, always take a mobile phone with me, always meet somewhere public – and although this is at a rural location as there aren’t many rock faces in cities, it does get very busy during the weekends. What more can one do? Yes I could take someone else along with me, but that’s my point – I don’t have a climbing partner at the moment – that’s why I’m going to meet someone to climb with….And I do think that sometimes we overstate dangers around us…it’s far more likely that I’d be injured in a road accident than either injured while climbing or by a stranger. But that said, clearly it’s on my mind as I’ve brought it up here in this post….but again I think that’s because so many of my female friends worry about this. Although my dear friend Roo – who left a comment on an earlier post – the one about walking and thinking – she has never, ever worried about talking to all sorts of people – quite often the weirder and odder the better! Roo has always trusted in the kindness of strangers and is quite possibly the most friendly person I know – I can’t think of anyone who ever has a bad thing to say about her or anyone who doesn’t love her to pieces – mind you now I’ve said all that I’m beginning to go off her a bit…Anyway, back on subject, Roo talks to everyone, is calm, relaxed and friendly to everyone and I’m sure this helps…and it’s not that she hasn’t been in tough situations, she is a nurse and trained in London in a large and very famous hospital in the Mile End Road in the East End….so she’s seen plenty of “colourful” life….
Maybe we’re all so tied up with the idea of being Safe and how everything is a threat – Health and Safety overloads – that we can’t imagine that most people are just the same as us…reasonably harmless…

Sparks

What is it that causes attraction between men and women (or for that matter between any two people regardless of sex)?
I’ve been considering this because my friend Jo is off to go Speed Dating again soon – she’s become good friends with The Flatterer that she met at the last event and she wants to meet more people, go out more and generally have a good time, and who can blame her?
We’ve had some very in depth conversations about the type of man she would like to spend time with and having also had that conversation with other single female friends I’m really quite interested in what causes that ‘spark’ that draws individuals to each other…
Jo really enjoys The Flatterer’s company, they find each other very attractive, laugh at similar things, have a similar standard of education – in fact all the things are pretty much in place for a Big Relationship. The details of why it’s not going there are entirely theirs and not what I’m really getting at here….

What is it that makes Mr A good looking but ultimately no more than friendship material as opposed to Mr B who is maybe not as good looking but you just can’t keep you hands off him (figuratively speaking!). The whole notion of human relationships is a complex one, there is far more to it than just physical appearance. I would guess that sometimes it’s maybe even down to smell – pheromones. According to scientists pheromones just help individuals to find each other physically attractive and maybe even ensure biological ‘matches’ in a mate. So is it the lack of pheromone compatibility that explains why two people who are both attractive, relatively normal, interested in each other’s lives, all the things that need to be in place for a relationship, but that elusive ‘spark’ just isn’t there?
Or is it just that maybe the timing isn’t right? I have to say I don’t agree with that – it’s easy to say, “I just can’t be with you right now because I’m still hung up on my ex-husband/wife/etc.” I think that if people are honest with themselves – if they’re out looking for a new relationship – then the time is right and it’s just the other person that’s wrong for them…
So what is it that draws us to either the quiet thinker or the loud partygoer? Is it that we look for traits in ourselves that we either like or would like to have? Do opposites attract? Or do birds of a feather flock together? I think it’s perhaps a mix of the two – we like to feel comfortable and relaxed with those to whom we are close and some of that closeness is achieved through common interests and a shared outlook in life…and sometimes even with those things in place we still don’t feel the closeness, the clicking with someone….Why?
And I guess that this also works with platonic relationships too – you can meet someone who, on the face of it, you should get on with really well – the proverbial burning house….But for some reason, despite pleasant conversation and friendly pleasantries, you just don’t really hit it off – you don’t dislike each other, but you just can’t really get that enthusiastic about them being your friend….
Maybe it takes more than just one meeting…Maybe you need to have regular jaunts together to build up some sort of relationship with each other….And for Jo and the Flatterer this has been very much the case – they’ve met up a few times over the course of the last few weeks and they have developed a relationship – not perhaps the one they had both hoped for, but one that might be sustained on a different footing for a longer time…a Friendship.

Girls nights...

A while back I was considering the nature of friendship – both those in real life and those online. Human relationships do fascinate, confound and infuriate me all in equal measures. Tonight I’m off to have supper with my two oldest friends – the three of us were at school together and have known each other since we were all eleven – a considerable length of time, in fact apart from my family, no one has known me as long as this.

We have a huge amount of shared history with each other, obviously the school stuff, but also because over the years we have kept in touch – sometimes closely so we know what has happened in our lives. Yes it is all a bit like a Chicklit book… But there is definitely something to be said for having friends to whom you need not explain certain facts – they already know. The whole back story is there and we can remind each other of the daft things we did years ago – if only to attempt to ensure we don’t repeat our mistakes….

It’s also interesting that because of this long history with each other I wonder if we still see ourselves as schoolgirls? Is that the person they see in me? Or do they take on board how I’ve changed over the years? I’m always reminded by Jules that I had an intense hatred of the outdoors at school (based upon a couple of Duke of Edinburgh camping expeditions), yet Roo remembers the many holidays we shared throughout our teens where we spent most of the time outside and often hiking up hills and mountains or even one memorable jaunt on a boat. I’m sure we do all see and accept how we’ve changed over the years but equally it’s reassuring to be reminded of who we once were.

And these female friendships, unlike those with men are entirely secure - we don’t have the added tensions of sex and flirting. Although, that said we do talk about sex, sometimes in detail (don’t worry chaps – it is always very complementary). That’s what women do when they get together – drink large amounts of wine, discuss shoes, sex, who has got too fat/skinny, who is having an affair (they’re thin on the ground these days – people are either really happy or else scared and behaving themselves), and any of the latest gossip or even old gossip which we missed out on years ago….

Watch this space, I may report back on exactly what was said…..all names changed to protect the innocent of course….which is why I’ve used Jules and Roo’s real names….no innocence there….

Oh, and I’m off on a pub crawl on Friday night, just myself and Jo this time – busy social life at the moment – as ever the social life is like the bus service or policemen – never around when you want them and then three come along at once….Sunday night out too possibly – a friend plays in a band and we’ve been invited to the gig – we could be groupies! Only drawback is that the band member we know is called Kate…..ah well….

The Battle of the Sexes

Why is it called the Battle of the Sexes? I’m not so sure that we are battling or fighting at all. What would men and women be fighting for? Supremacy? In my opinion that’s entirely the wrong way to go about things; it’s not about who’s best or in charge or even on top….and that’s not what I mean either……

I believe that on the whole men and women view each other as equals; different, but equal. And yes, we still continue to disagree on many points like sport versus shopping…although not all men are permanently fixated on sport and not all women love shopping….

But aside from any notions of equality, because that’s not what I really want to talk about anyway, is the whole idea of relationships being a battleground.

At primary school girls have long hair in plaits (well I did) and boys would chase the girls around the playground either playing Kiss Chase or just to pull on those plaits. In the classroom it was well known that if a boy liked you he would pull your plaits and deliberately attempt to trip you up if you went past him. In general if a boy was unpleasant to you it meant only one thing – he looooved you, as only an eight year old can…

Do things really change that much when we grow up and become adults?

Why do some men (and women for that matter) insist upon seeing or phoning someone and then deliberately being rude or apparently unkind to them? Why bother?

The reason I mention all of this is because another of my single friends, Tanya, has been having just this problem. A man she met continues to call her, see her and generally behave as if they are having a relationship, yet each time he speaks to her he manages to upset her with his unthinking rudeness. Well, at least, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I believe it is unthinking – I could be wrong – he could just be plain rude…

But he continues to make all of the running….Why?

It just seems as if he’s back in the playground – he runs after her and then (figuratively) pulls her pigtails, runs away and then waits until he can have another go in a day or so….

For her part my advice should be, ignore his calls: if he can only be rude why bother with him? But perhaps his brusque manner is part of his attraction for her – strange woman….

Notice I say, my advice should be….that’s because of late I have made the decision to stop handing out unwanted advice….I’m never much prepared to accept it, so why should others take it from me? I don’t live their lives, they don’t live mine…it’s so very easy to just instruct from the sidelines, but unless you’re in there experiencing it….And ultimately we’re all different….

Yes, I know that’s a huge cop-out….But until I can stand back and say, look at me, my life is perfect, I’ve cracked it, then I don’t know that my advice is worth much…

So back to the Battle of the Sexes….why can’t we all be more open and upfront about how we feel about things?

Well I know the answer already – we can’t be open and upfront because we don’t want to hurt others’ feelings…If we come out and say – I’m madly in love with you – only to hear – Oh, I’m not, I thought we were just friends…Or vice versa…someone is going to get hurt….And even if we may one day fall for someone, it’s hard to tell them, Well, actually I might fall for you one day, but I’m just not really sure right now….It’s still a bit of a brush off, isn’t it?

So we continue to pussy foot around the issues, we carry on running up, pulling pig-tails, acting all hurt, not replying to telephone calls, all the rest of it….

All in the name of ….What?

So what's Tanya going to do? Ignore him? Hope he starts being nice to her? Or listen to her female friends who all say in unison...."Huh, Men!"

Promises and Friendships

I’m feeling in a very thoughtful mood today, I’ve been considering the nature of Promises. As a child we learn about promises and how important it is not to break them. We’ve all heard or said “You promised!” at some time growing up. I wonder what it is that changes when we’re an adult that stops us from keeping those promises or from telling the promise-breakers what they’ve done.
Sometimes promises are really clear and simple - legally binding documents if you like….you will do A,B and C and in return I will do X,Y and Z….we both promise to do this. When we stop doing X,Y and Z then there are consequences to deal with, legal consequences.
But what about unspoken promises – the ones that often mean so much more and when broken, hurt far more. My friend Jo’s marriage – when that broke up over a year ago they were both hurt – they had promised to be together and to love one another always. That sort of promise is probably another one that like the legal stuff is easy to see and understand. But what about between friends? You promised to be my friend and be there for me….but weren’t….That sort of thing is far, far harder to pin down. We don’t have legal documents or written guidelines about the nature of friendships….nowhere does it say “You hereby agree as friend of …….(fill in as applicable)…. To always be available, provide a shoulder to cry upon, emotional support as needed, et cetera, et cetera (add extras as applicable)” So it’s hard to define the nature of many friendships…
Friendships between women are generally pretty easy – tell each other all the intimate details of your life, go shopping together, never suggest the other one has got fat or old, drink coffee together and by and large the friendship will be fine. Friendships between men I can only comment on from the outside (not being a man and all that….) but it would appear from outside that you tell each other the imagined details of your life – how you would like it to be or think it should be, go drinking together, constantly suggest the other one has got fat, bald, old, incapable of being found attractive by the opposite sex, drink more beer together and by and large the friendship will be fine.
But what about friendships between men and women? There are different opinions on this one….most women will tell you that they love to have male friends – it helps them to gain some insight into the men in their life. A male friend can tell women more truthfully if their bum really does look big, explain the offside rule to them, get them drunk and carry them home, and tell them rude jokes too….
But ask most men about female friends and you may hear a different story….Countless Hollywood films have been made about friends who realise they’re really in love with each other….One of them settles for just being friends but really is desperately in love with the other. Or neither realise they love each other. Perhaps it would be clearer in these Hollywood films, or here even, if the word Love was replaced by Fancy or just Desperately want to have Sex with….
Ultimately I suppose we are all sexual creatures, whether we like it or not – one of our pre-programmed reasons for being here is to reproduce ourselves – so we constantly judge new acquaintances on their suitability for that purpose – in other words, Would You?
But what does that say about our existing male/female friendships?
Hmmm….I’m still thinking about that one…. Maybe I’ll write about that tomorrow…..